By popular demand, Miss Aria Vita is back with another confession, and this time it's the VERY WORST THING she has ever done in all her eight years of life.
In this episode, you and your kiddos will learn:
- Why there's no such thing as "getting away with it"
- Why it's better to confess *before* you have to
- Why making mischief is often more fun in theory than in practice
- How to move on from a friendship that is hurting your integrity... and so much more!
Adrienne MacIain 0:39 [Intro] Hi everyone. I have, once again, my favorite guest. This is Miss Aria Vita MacIain. Aria MacIain 1:04 Hello! Adrienne MacIain 1:04 My eight year old daughter. She has another story to tell us. So Aria, the first question I have for you is just what is the story that you have not yet told? Aria MacIain 1:18 I'll tell it. I'm at a place called Somerset. That's my school. And my teacher is named Miss O'Hare. And at school, we were hearing stories about these kids in the boys bathroom. They were doing things with the with the doorthing? Stopper. The doorstopper. They were doing things with it, and the janitor had to like, fix whatever they did with it. And nobody knew who those boys were, but they knew they were boys. So, um, the teachers started to talk about it, and the janitor came in and he was all like, he just talked about it. Talk about the big problem. And then... I don't know. I don't exactly remember why. But I had this thought of: "I'll do it." I don't know why, it might have been to get attention, or... I have no idea. Adrienne MacIain 2:14 You'll do what, exactly? Aria MacIain 2:16 Well, I would do things to the doorstopper in the girls bathroom. Oh, okay. So you heard that the boys were doing it and you were like, "Hmmm, maybe it's fun. I'll try it!" Yeah. Adrienne MacIain 2:28 Okay. Aria MacIain 2:29 And I thought I was only gonna do it one time. But it was fun. So I just kept doing it. What did you do? Exactly? I basically hid the doorstopper. I hid it. Adrienne MacIain 2:40 Oh, I see. So it's like a door stopper that you can move. Not like a built in one on the wall. Aria MacIain 2:46 No. Adrienne MacIain 2:47 Okay. So it's like a doorstop and you basically hid it. Aria MacIain 2:51 Yeah. I hid it. Adrienne MacIain 2:52 Okay. Aria MacIain 2:53 So what they decided to do, is they decided to have the teachers have a really serious talk about it. Didn't work. Adrienne MacIain 3:02 Mmmm. Aria MacIain 3:03 Yeah, I kept going. And I told my friend about this, two friends actually. And when it became super serious, which I'm about to tell you about, I got scared, because I didn't know if they were going to give up my identity or not. So I stopped doing it. Anyway, I'm gonna keep going with the story. Adrienne MacIain 3:24 Okay. Aria MacIain 3:24 So the part that became serious is when the principal made announcements about it. They were like, "This has never happened before in the upstairs, and I have no idea why this is happening!" So they asked all the teachers to have a serious talk. And they found a way to try to find the culprit. And what they did was, the teachers talked about all of that, and they asked people to raise their hands and just talk about like, how it makes them feel. She didn't want any answers unless they were sure of it. And I started making up things I would say, if my friends--named Bella or Carmen--started to... like they decided that they wanted to, you know, be like, "I know who it is! I know who! It's Aria. Aria over there, she told me." And I thought that I would say, "I was just joking, and I'm sorry, but it was just a joke," because I really, really didn't want them to think that. Adrienne MacIain 4:23 Yeah, so you didn't want to get in trouble. And so you were getting your next lie ready to cover up your first lie, right? Aria MacIain 4:31 It wasn't gonna be a lie, because I actually stopped doing it. Adrienne MacIain 4:34 I know. But you did do it. And you did tell them that you did it. And so you would have been lying. Let's be honest about it. At least with me. Aria MacIain 4:44 Yes, it would *technically* have been have been lying. Adrienne MacIain 4:48 M'kay. Go on. Aria MacIain 4:49 So, um, I decided I would stop. Because I put myself in other people's shoes. So anyway, what I did was the teachers, when they talked about that, they put video cameras in the hallway. Adrienne MacIain 5:05 Oh my gosh! Aria MacIain 5:06 But not in the bathroom. That's a privacy thing. Adrienne MacIain 5:08 Yeah. Aria MacIain 5:09 And then they made sign-up sheets where you would put your name, the time, the date and the time that you basically went to the bathroom. Adrienne MacIain 5:17 Wow, they got really serious about it. Aria MacIain 5:19 Yeah. And the video cameras would show like when. So that way they would find the culprit. So I decided to stop. Adrienne MacIain 5:27 Well yeah, but you had already stopped by then. Aria MacIain 5:29 Yeah. Adrienne MacIain 5:30 Or had you? Aria MacIain 5:31 I, um, well, I hadn't gone to the bathroom before that. So I couldn't exactly stop. Adrienne MacIain 5:38 M'kay. Aria MacIain 5:38 So um, Miss O'Hare.... The sign out sheet was of course... the teachers found ways to use it for other reasons. Adrienne MacIain 5:47 Like what? Aria MacIain 5:48 Like, let's say, Jerry, he's a guy in my class. He went to the bathroom at 12:02, and two minutes later, he asked to go to the bathroom, Miss O'Hare could look at the sheet and be like, "You went two minutes ago." Adrienne MacIain 6:01 Mmm. I see. Aria MacIain 6:02 Yeah. So they would kind of use that. Adrienne MacIain 6:04 Okay. Aria MacIain 6:05 And so, but what happened was when I stopped, other people started to do it. Adrienne MacIain 6:11 Oh, no! Aria MacIain 6:12 Yep. But they were not using the doorstopper, they started throwing wrappers in toilets, and all of that stuff. Adrienne MacIain 6:20 Oh my gosh. Aria MacIain 6:21 Yes. And I asked Miss O'Hare, "If they're not putting [the doorstopper] in the toilet, how do you know it's the same person?" Because it wasn't. And I knew that for a fact, cuz it was me. So how would she know? And she's like, "I don't, I'm just making a guess." And then she was like, "There's this wrapper in the toilet. Did any of you people do it?" And I'm like, "Nope!" Because I didn't do it. I didn't. Adrienne MacIain 6:46 Right. This is the problem. When you do one... not so good thing Yeah. and it kind of hurts your integrity, it makes people less likely to trust you, right? Now she didn't know that you did it, but *you* know that, and so now you have this guilt response whenever she accuses somebody, you're like, "But *I* didn't do *that*!" Aria MacIain 7:07 But what happened the day of that? Adrienne MacIain 7:10 Mm hmm? Aria MacIain 7:10 Something really big happened. It was like guilt. It was really, really big. What happened was I started to get sick. Like I couldn't stand up, I just felt so terrible inside. I got sent to the nurse's office and I started to... I started gagging. I was on the floor. It was terrible. Adrienne MacIain 7:29 Yeah, guilt does that. Aria MacIain 7:30 Yeah. Adrienne MacIain 7:31 You know what it's like for me? Here's the analogy I use. It's like if you have a really clean room, then you tend to keep it clean, right? Because like-- Aria MacIain 7:41 That's not what I do! Adrienne MacIain 7:42 Well... Aria MacIain 7:43 I make it messy again! Adrienne MacIain 7:46 But what I'm saying is if you like a clean room, and you like to keep your room clean, Aria MacIain 7:50 I do like that. I just make it messy again. Adrienne MacIain 7:52 Well, most people what they do: your room is clean. You see something out of place, and you want to clean it up, because that keeps the room nice and clean, and it's easy to do, because it's just one thing. But the more stuff starts to accumulate, the less you care about how dirty it is, to the point where it's like, you could just have stuff all over the floor, and you're just like stepping on clothes, and you just don't care anymore. Aria MacIain 8:17 It's like that every time for me. Adrienne MacIain 8:18 Because it just feels so overwhelming, the idea of having to clean all that up, right, is like, "Ugh, I don't even know where to start." And you don't even see the mess anymore because you're so used to it. It's kind of like that in your soul. Like, when you do one bad thing, then it really stands out and you feel really guilty and like awful about it. But if you keep doing bad things eventually, like you stop caring and you just feel kind of like baseline yucky all the time and you don't even notice anymore, and that's when it's really sad. So I'm glad that you felt bad about it because that tells me that your soul is still very clean. Aria MacIain 8:57 Okay, so let me keep going. Adrienne MacIain 9:00 Keep goin'. Aria MacIain 9:00 When that kept happening, they kept putting out cameras and it kept signing and it was so bad. But what I felt the most terrible about doing before was, because nobody knew, it could be any grade. Anyone upstairs. And everybody personally (except me) knew it wasn't them. Adrienne MacIain 9:21 Yeah. Aria MacIain 9:21 So I felt so terrible for putting everybody through that. And the worst part is, I didn't have a reason. I just thought it was fun. And that was terrible to me. Because when I put myself in the janitor's shoes... How do you think the janitor felt? Adrienne MacIain 9:41 Exactly. Yeah. Aria MacIain 9:42 And it was just for fun. Adrienne MacIain 9:45 Yeah. And was it actually fun in the end? Aria MacIain 9:48 No, Adrienne MacIain 9:49 No. Not really. Aria MacIain 9:50 I still have nightmares, and... Adrienne MacIain 9:53 Yeah, definitely not worth it. Aria MacIain 9:55 And as I said, what scared me the most was the thought that I put my secret on other people, and it's their decision, if they say it or not. Adrienne MacIain 10:05 So what happened in the end, Aria? Aria MacIain 10:07 Well, I don't know why, but our class just, the sheet of paper that you're supposed to sign? It just got tooken away. Gone. I have no idea why. Adrienne MacIain 10:19 Well, I guess they decided that it wasn't happening anymore. And so they didn't need that anymore. Aria MacIain 10:24 The thing is, I kept thinking about telling them that I'd done it before. But I was too scared about what the results would be. Adrienne MacIain 10:32 Are you still thinking about doing that? Do you remember our little rhyme from last time? Aria MacIain 10:37 Yeah. Adrienne MacIain 10:37 Tell the truth first before it gets worse. Aria MacIain 10:40 Yeah, so... I'm not sure though. Adrienne MacIain 10:42 You don't want to tell the truth in this case? Aria MacIain 10:44 I do. I really, really do. Adrienne MacIain 10:47 Now, let me tell you something, Aria. And you can trust me on this one because I'm a lot older than you. Aria MacIain 10:52 I know. Adrienne MacIain 10:53 There's no such thing as getting away with something. It always comes back to you in one way or another. And so you can choose to take that into your own hands, or you can live in fear and let the chips fall where they may. But I really recommend that you take control of it and tell the truth before it comes back to you. Aria MacIain 11:13 What do you mean by comes back to me? Adrienne MacIain 11:15 Like, somebody says something later on, and they find out that it was you, and that you lied about it. Whereas if you come forward now and tell the truth, then things might not be so bad, Aria MacIain 11:27 Then you're telling, and not they're. Adrienne MacIain 11:28 That's right. Aria MacIain 11:29 Like in second grade... Adrienne MacIain 11:30 And you'll at least get points for coming forward and being honest. Aria MacIain 11:34 In second grade there was this rock, and there were other things. They kept getting stolen. And Miss Bowen was like, "Okay, kids, listen, some things have been stolen. So I would like you to say who it is, and I'm gonna be okay with it if you just admit it, and just say something." Now, I actually think personally thought nobody took it. I thought it got lost or something. Cuz I don't think anybody would actually take a rock. Adrienne MacIain 12:07 [laughter] Right. Was it a super pretty rock? Or? Aria MacIain 12:10 It was, yeah, a special rock. Okay. Adrienne MacIain 12:13 Well, maybe they did. Aria MacIain 12:14 But like in second grade, somebody doing that work to steal a rock, knowing Miss bone would be okay with it and maybe give them a hug or something. And having nothing happen... Like, really. I think it just got lost. That's my theory. But the point is, it's usually gonna be okay. Adrienne MacIain 12:34 Yeah, it usually is okay. Especially when you're little like this. Aria MacIain 12:38 This is just like my other episode where I actually didn't solve the problem on my own. My actual problem and plus the lesson's kind of similar. Adrienne MacIain 12:50 Hey, by the way, did you want to tell people what happened with that story, since I know some listeners were wondering how things went with with your friend after that? Aria MacIain 12:59 Oh, yeah, me and Suvi are doing fine now except for... recently. Adrienne MacIain 13:05 Oh, yeah? Aria MacIain 13:06 Should I tell them? Adrienne MacIain 13:07 Well, we don't have to get into that. Aria MacIain 13:08 But can I? Adrienne MacIain 13:09 If you'd like to? Yeah. Aria MacIain 13:10 Yay! I like telling. Adrienne MacIain 13:13 I know. But first, let's finish up this story, okay? So, how did how did this story change you? Aria MacIain 13:18 It changed me because now I know like, basically this: There's a time to play. And there's a time to work. But there's also a time to feel empathy, and to know if you're just doing it for play, then it's obviously not the right time, but it's also not the time for work. It's the time to stop. [laughter] It's the time to stop doing it. Adrienne MacIain 13:43 So what I hear you saying is that you need to... it's fine to be playful, it's fine to have fun, but if it's affecting somebody else negatively, you gotta have your empathy in there and recognize that it's not worth it. Aria MacIain 13:56 Because really, the only reason I did it was for fun. And somebody had to clean it up, and... Adrienne MacIain 14:02 Right. Having fun at somebody else's expense? It's not worth it. Well, first of all, I'm proud of you for stopping. I mean, I'm proud of you for recognizing like, we all make mistakes. And you know, you made a mistake. You wanted to experiment and give something a try, and you tried it. And then you realized that wasn't as fun as you had hoped, and you were hurting people. And so you stopped. And that's the important thing right there. So I think you can be proud of that. And I think you can be even prouder if you do come clean, and come forward and tell the truth, because that is really good practice for your life. Because there's going to be a lot of times when you feel scared to tell the truth and you feel like you're gonna get in trouble and people aren't gonna like you, and you're gonna be punished. Aria MacIain 14:40 I'm really not sure what's gonna happen, though. Adrienne MacIain 14:43 I know. Aria MacIain 14:43 What do you think's gonna happen? Adrienne MacIain 14:45 I think what's gonna happen is that they're gonna ask you why you did it. And you're gonna be honest and say, I really don't know why I did it. I thought it would be fun. It wasn't. And I'm really sorry, and I won't do it again. And that's going to be it. I honestly don't think you're going to get any kind of punishment at all. Aria MacIain 14:59 I'm not sure. It made a pretty big deal. Adrienne MacIain 15:03 It did make a big deal, but it wasn't just you. First of all, you didn't start it. The boys in the boys bathroom started it right? Aria MacIain 15:10 Yeah. Adrienne MacIain 15:11 You did make it worse. Aria MacIain 15:13 Wayyyy worse. Adrienne MacIain 15:14 Yeah. And you'll admit that. Aria MacIain 15:17 But the boys stopped. It was now only the girls and a bunch of the girls were surprised because they were like, usually girls are... nice. And I didn't say anything during that thing, I just... thoughts kept swirling in my head of what I could say or anything. I just laid low. Adrienne MacIain 15:36 Yeah, but like I said, I think this would be a really good opportunity for you to be super brave. Aria MacIain 15:41 REALLY good opportunity! Adrienne MacIain 15:43 Yeah, yeah, cuz in your life, it's only gonna get harder and scarier and the punishments are gonna get bigger. So now's a really good time to start taking responsibility and owning up to what you did. Aria MacIain 15:56 Okay, Mama. Adrienne MacIain 15:57 Okay. That's my girl. Aria MacIain 15:58 Now I'm gonna tell about what happened with Suvi! Adrienne MacIain 16:01 Well I have one more question about this story. Aria MacIain 16:03 Okay. Adrienne MacIain 16:05 Who do you think needs to hear this? And what do you want them to take away from this story? Aria MacIain 16:09 Um, I think people with problems--not with problems, just that either did something wrong or are doing something wrong. I'll start with doing. If they're doing something wrong like this, and they don't have a reasonable explanation? Please stop, just stop. Adrienne MacIain 16:28 Well, you know, it's, I'll tell you something true about humans, it's really hard to stop doing something. It's a lot easier to just do something else. So instead of thinking, "Oh, I have to stop this!" It helps a lot if you just pick something new to do instead. So every time you feel that compulsion of like, "Oooh, I want to go do that thing that hurts people. Instead, I'm going to do this new game. I'm going to do this new thing that also feels good to me." Aria MacIain 16:52 Hmm. Like what? Adrienne MacIain 16:54 Maybe you go on the mirror and you know, go, "Hhhhhh," and like fog it up and then draw a little heart. Something fun and silly like that. Just a little something that gives you that little hit of like, "Oooh, I did something fun and kind of naughty." But it's really not that naughty, because it's gonna fade. And it doesn't really affect anybody else. Even if it's, you know, like, if you're trying to stop a habit, creating a new habit is a much better plan. So like, if you, let's say you, you chew your fingernails, Aria MacIain 17:20 Hey, I do do that! Adrienne MacIain 17:21 So if you wanted to stop doing that, instead, what you do is you get a rubber band, and you put it on your wrist. And when you think about chewing your nails, you take your rubber band and you just give yourself a little slap on the wrist and-- not so much that it really hurts, but just so that it kind of reminds you like "Hey, don't do that." And it's something to do. And it's kind of fun actually to like mess with your rubber band and play with it. So that's my advice around that. Okay, now... Aria MacIain 17:43 This is wrapped in a present... Adrienne MacIain 17:45 There you go. Aria MacIain 17:46 New present! Adrienne MacIain 17:46 New present. Here we go. Suvi story. Go. Aria MacIain 17:49 So you see, there's a girl named Lola. Don't know if I talked about her. Probably did. But the girl named Lola has a twin named Carmen, and Suvi told Lola, "Aria thinks you both are too popular and that you get too much attention and lalala." I did not say that. Nope, nothing close. So, what happened is Lola came talking to me. And she was like, "Aria did you say you think I'm too popular bla bla bla bla bla bla?" "I'm like, what, what, what?" And Suvi explained everything to me and she's like "I told a lie to Lola." And this was her explanation. This was like weird, though. She was like, there's some sort of line between us and the line was a big thing. Like, why would there be a line between me and Suvi? Adrienne MacIain 18:42 Well, I know why I think there would be a line between you and Suvi. Aria MacIain 18:46 Why? Adrienne MacIain 18:46 Because you had to lie to her in order to be friends with her. Aria MacIain 18:49 Well she has no idea I lied to her. I have to say because I personally, as I said, think I am a fairy. Not just like metaphorically. I actually think that. Adrienne MacIain 19:02 Right. Aria MacIain 19:02 So, um, I had to lie and say, "I was lying about me being a fairy," which hurt, but I got Suvi back, which was important to me. Adrienne MacIain 19:12 Yeah, but people can feel that Aria. People can feel when you're not being honest or you're not being in your integrity, whether they know it consciously or not. They can feel that and you probably made you like, pull away from her a little bit, right? Aria MacIain 19:25 Mom! Adrienne MacIain 19:26 Aria! Aria MacIain 19:27 If I didn't do that, it would be a way worse friendship! Way worse. Like a hundred times worse. Adrienne MacIain 19:35 Or you might choose just not to be friends with someone that makes you not be in your integrity at all. Aria MacIain 19:41 I don't have anybody else to be friends with. These recesses have been SO boring. You know why? Adrienne MacIain 19:47 Because you don't have enough friends. Aria MacIain 19:48 No. Adrienne MacIain 19:49 Because you don't have the right kind of friends. Aria MacIain 19:51 No. Mama! Suvi's gone to India. Adrienne MacIain 19:55 Okay. Aria MacIain 19:56 And so I don't have anyone to play with. So-- Adrienne MacIain 19:59 You have one really good friend, but he doesn't go to your school. Aria MacIain 20:02 He doesn't. And plus I have other really good friends but: moved away, moved away, moved away... Adrienne MacIain 20:09 Yeah, sorry, kiddo. Aria MacIain 20:11 MOVED AWAY. Anyway, so um, the thing is, I was okay with it. I did not get super mad at Suvi for telling the lie. Adrienne MacIain 20:23 Why? Aria MacIain 20:24 I don't know. Adrienne MacIain 20:26 So, that's something that you might really want to think about. Because the thing is, trust is like a plate, 'k? If you break it once, you can glue it back together, but you'll always see that crack and you'll always know it was there. If you break it again, it breaks into even more pieces, and the more you break it, the harder it is to put back together, until it just gets to the point where you can't. It just turns into dust. So trust is one of those things that you have to be really, really careful about. And when somebody breaks your trust, it's really hard to stay good friends with them. Because from then on, you'll always wonder, "Is she gonna lie again? Is she gonna betray me?" So Aria MacIain 21:05 Exactly, but... Adrienne MacIain 21:06 I'm a little bit concerned about this friendship, I gotta tell ya. Aria MacIain 21:08 I know, I want to get rid of it, but... Adrienne MacIain 21:11 But what sweetie? Trust me. Aria, listen. Listen. Aria MacIain 21:16 Then the part of the day that actually is free for me is now ruined! Adrienne MacIain 21:22 Listen, listen Punkie... Aria MacIain 21:24 IS RUINED!!! Adrienne MacIain 21:25 Listen to mama for a minute, okay? This is some mama wisdom I'm going to give you. Aria MacIain 21:30 I don't like mama wisdom. Adrienne MacIain 21:31 I know it's so hard. Aria MacIain 21:33 [play-whining] I don't like it, don't say it! I don't like Mama wisdom. Adrienne MacIain 21:36 Please, can I share for the people at home? You can just ignore it. And pretend like I'm not talking to you at all. Aria MacIain 21:42 No, I want to hear. Adrienne MacIain 21:43 Okay. *kiss* So here's the mama wisdom here, okay? You deserve better. You know you deserve better. And as long as you keep this person in your life, that space is being taken up. And so someone new cannot come into that space. You need to leave that space empty if you want someone else to come in and fill it in a better way. Aria MacIain 22:08 Well, Suvi is in India and nobody at all has filled it. Adrienne MacIain 22:12 Okay, well you got to have faith babe, you got to keep having fun and doing things your way and trust that the right person will come into your life. Aria MacIain 22:20 But I can't have fun! Emmy's moved away, Lola's not... Adrienne MacIain 22:24 Oh Aria, you can always have fun. Never ever, ever believe that someone else can make you not have fun anymore. That is the one thing you can always do. Aria MacIain 22:33 How? Adrienne MacIain 22:35 Great question. So let's think of some ways that you could have fun by yourself. How could you have fun by yourself? Help me brainstorm some ways. Aria MacIain 22:44 Well, it's been snowing, raining, snowing, raining. Adrienne MacIain 22:49 That's not answering the question. You can write a story. You could draw a picture. Aria MacIain 22:55 I can't do that at recess. Adrienne MacIain 22:57 You could sing a song. You could make up a dance. You could do a skit. You could run laps. Aria MacIain 23:04 That's not fun! Adrienne MacIain 23:07 It could be! Just about anything can be fun if you decide to make it fun. That's my point. Aria MacIain 23:13 I've been trying to make running laps fun. I've been trying to make exercise fun. But I can't do it because I get too hot. But if I take my jacket off, I become way too cold because of rain, snow, rain, snow, rain, snow, rain... Adrienne MacIain 23:29 Well, you are a very smart and creative girl, and I trust that you will come up with some brilliant ideas. What would you like to tell the people at home as a takeaway for this story? Aria MacIain 23:41 Know when something's just gone out of hand. Know when there's no reasonable answer for you. Just be aware of when it's time to stop, time to tell, and time to have empathy. Adrienne MacIain 23:57 Thanks Aria. I love you Aria MacIain 23:59 And be aware when it's an okay time to do what I did... Adrienne MacIain 24:03 And when's that? Aria MacIain 24:04 Probably never. Adrienne MacIain 24:05 [laughter] I don't know. I think there's an appropriate time for a little bit of mischief. Aria MacIain 24:10 Really? Try. When is it okay to do what I did? Adrienne MacIain 24:16 Hmmm... Aria MacIain 24:16 You can't find nothin', Mom. That's the worst thing I've ever done in my life, and I actually mean it. Adrienne MacIain 24:23 Well if that's the worst thing you've ever done in your life, then you're doing pretty good kid. EPILOGUE:
Aria did, in fact, 'fess up to Miss O'Hare, as promised. And guess what? Not only did she not get in any trouble, she got a big ol' hug for coming clean.
How's that for a happy ending?