Love in the Time of COVID w/ Sarah D. Weaver




Adrienne MacIain 0:01

Hey everyone, welcome to the That's Aloud podcast. I'm your hostess Adrienne MacIain. And today we have a special Valentine's Day bonus episode with the lovely Sarah Weaver. Please introduce yourself, Sarah.


Sarah Weaver 0:15

Hi, everyone. This is Sarah Weaver. I grew up in Kansas City, but I have been nomadic and working remotely for five plus years, and fully nomadic for the last two. Actually, this week is my kind of one year anniversary from living abroad. This time around; I've done it a few other times. And so I'm calling in from New Zealand.


Adrienne MacIain 0:38

All right, so awesome. So we're doing things a little bit different today, because, again, this is a bonus episode. And normally, I would start with the question of: what story is the world not getting? But I think there's a story that the world has been dealing with for a while now, of course, which is the COVID pandemic. And that has made life really complicated for people who are single, I know, especially. And since you are a lovely single lady, I thought I would ask you to come on and talk a little bit about your experience dating during COVID.


Sarah Weaver 1:12

Yeah, absolutely. I'm happy to talk about it. It's really funny here in New Zealand, we have been COVID-free really since May 2020. And so I think that my experience will definitely be different. But I really want today to just be light hearted and funny. And I have I am pretty transparent with everything that has to do with money. Because I'm in real estate. That's the industry that I'm in. Also anything traveling and working remotely. And dating is something that I think I always allude to, but I don't think that I'm as transparent about and so I'm happy to get uncomfortable with you today and be transparent about the lovely world of dating, especially online dating.


Adrienne MacIain 1:53

Fantastic.


Sarah Weaver 1:53

Which is, oh gosh, so fun.


Adrienne MacIain 1:56

Oh so fun, right? So, I mean, I... I certainly went through my rounds on online dating. I am now happily married, and delightfully so. But yeah, I definitely remember the just the horrors of the dating scene online.


Sarah Weaver 2:17

Yeah, and I think everybody loves to share the the bad and the terrible and the ugly. And then I think, frankly, it like scares off people from trying it. Maybe someone's newly single, they haven't had to do it before, so they're inexperienced. Maybe they're an introvert and so meeting strangers is already uncomfortable, and like just, frankly, a skill set that that person might not have. There's a lot of like banter that has to happen via text message. So you have to be cute, funny and intelligent, and figure out information about that person to decide if you want to meet in person. And so frankly, it's a lot of work. And so I think today, I really want to focus on some of the like light hearted funny things. And the wonderful things because I'm happy to say like I've had a really great dating experience. I also think it's really funny. We joked offline, like, I don't really like taking dating advice from single people. It's kind of like taking like marathon running advice from someone that can't run a five K. And so I'm actually really happy to have you chime in as a happily married person. Because I think that a lot of people discount your experience like, Oh, you don't know what it's like to have to like be swiping on Tinder or Bumble or whatever site people are using these days. But frankly, like, I think making a partnership work is actually the thing we should be focusing on. And then focus less on the avenue of how that actually comes to fruition.



Adrienne MacIain 3:41

Absolutely. So I used to be a dating coach in a previous incarnation. And I specifically worked with people who were on the spectrum. So I was helping people who really did not understand the rules of engagement around socializing and dating, and really helped them to decode that stuff. So I come at this from, I think, a really unusual angle. But I think one of the most important things like you said, you know, there's so much expectation around courtship and being able to read those signals and being able to flirt and be witty and stuff like that. And that can be actually a really fun game for people who are good at it. To the point I think we're sometimes people stay in the dating scene longer than they maybe should. Right? Because they're like, but I'm good at this. I could, I could keep this going. Definitely, right? And dating can be fun. Absolutely. So let's talk a little bit about some of the more fun aspects of online dating.


Sarah Weaver 4:47

Yeah, I think that the the greatest part about dating is you learn so much about the world through that other person. So I go into most conversations, thinking okay, this person that I'm sitting across the table from, or on the other side of a line of communication, they are an expert in something like something that I know nothing about. And so what is that thing so that I can learn more about the world while I learn more about this person, because frankly, the truth is, is that that person could be like, in and out of my life in a week. And so I might as well learn something about that person, or from that person, I should say, and, and then the other really fun thing is you learn a lot about yourself. Like, especially on first dates, I think men are really pretty complimentary, like, oh, wow, Sarah, you're really good at this. Or, oh, I noticed that you do this. And it's really fun. Because I know that for me, like I have a pretty strong circle of men and women that I keep in my life of all different walks of life. And they probably don't come out and say like, oh, wow, Sarah, like, you're really--you ask really tough, engaging questions. And that's something that someone told me on a first date. And so I was like, Oh, I didn't know that I do that. I hope you don't feel like I'm interviewing you. And he was like, No, the opposite actually, like, feel like this is the best conversation I've had, like on a first date in a long time. And so like, what a cool compliment to get, and something that I probably wouldn't have experienced, was someone that knows me really well, and wasn't in that situation.



Adrienne MacIain 6:20

Yeah. So it can give you a fresh perspective on yourself. Absolutely. And I love I love, love, love what you said about learning from everybody that you meet, I think that is such an important key that people overlook is just, this is an opportunity just to meet a new person and learn from them. Whatever happens, from there on out, you had this really interesting experience with this person that you probably wouldn't have had a conversation with otherwise. So that's just brilliant right there. Yeah, and--


Sarah Weaver 6:50

And it makes you a better listener. Like, as someone that I talk too much just as I cut you off, I'm a really chatty person. And so it's a really good experience to learn to shut up and listen, and it's made me a much better listener. So thank you online dating,


Adrienne MacIain 7:07

I had the same experience, the experience of dating was the experience of, okay, shut up for a minute, and learn about this other person. Because you get into your spiel, it's like, you know, okay, I've got my little performance, like, here's my persona, I'm going to show you all the best things about me. Like I always called it the storefront window. You know, it's like, you take all the good stuff, and you just set it up in this little storefront window, right? And so you're like, Okay, you want to come in, because here's all the great stuff that you're gonna find inside. But when you kind of let go of that, and just focus on active listening, and genuinely being there, and like learning about this person, you discover, like you said, you discover not just stuff about them, but you discover things about yourself. You learn things about yourself, like you said you can get. It's not just compliments, though, like you find in relation to different people, if you genuinely are relating to them kind of in the moment. You discover things about yourself. It's a really neat thing.



Sarah Weaver 8:06

Yeah, absolutely. And I think it really forces us to be more intentional. So so just the other month, I went on a first date with a guy, and it was going really well, we were laughing. And it was it was just a really great first date. And at the very end of the date, he asked if he could see me again. And thank goodness, I actually did want to see him again. Because a lot of times they ask and you're like, Oh gosh, how do I get out of this? Awkward! But this one I did, I did want to see him again. And he said, 'Great, but I have to ask you, are you looking for something serious?' And my internal dialogue is like say no, say no. Say No. Like, don't tell him you're looking for a relationship...


Adrienne MacIain 8:42

Don't scare him off!


Sarah Weaver 8:41

Yeah, don't scare him off. And I said, 'Yeah, actually, I'm looking for something serious.' And he goes 'Good. Me too.' And then gave me a peck on the cheek. And that was it. And like the day ended, and I just was like, kind of proud of myself as I walked home like, Alright, I like did I was true to myself. And it paid off. And I now I'm like not wasting my time.


Adrienne MacIain 9:06

Absolutely. Yeah, I think that's actually a great question to ask on a first date. Like, are you looking for something serious? I think people are so used to having to hide their true intentions, right? And it can get really exhausting trying to figure out like, who do I need to be for you to like me? Doing a little dance of like, what's gonna get you to call me again? What's gonna get me a second date. Right? And I think you're absolutely right, that it's better not to waste anybody's time. It's better to be totally upfront, super transparent. I always really appreciated it actually, like, if I'm on a date with a guy and he just tells me like right up front. Like, I'm literally just looking to get laid. It'll be like, great. Um, you have a drink. I'm gonna go. Thank you for not wasting my time.


Sarah Weaver 9:56

Absolutely, yeah. And I think that that's... It's funny, as you talk about wasting time, I went on a date recently. And the whole time I was sitting there, I was like going through my to-do list. And I was like, okay, this is clearly not a love match. And I do feel like I'm wasting my time. And so I think it's a good reminder to be a little more wouldn't say, like, weed them out. I don't know if that's the right term. But like, I should have asked better questions before agreeing to the first date. And so sometimes I don't even take my own advice. And I waste my own time by not like kind of weeding someone out before I meet them.



Adrienne MacIain 10:31

Yeah, I think we can all learn to do that better, not just in dating, but in general, just figuring out asking enough questions, getting enough information in advance before we say yes or no to something to figure out, is this something that's really worth my time and energy right now? And especially I think, you know, right now we have this sense, at least some of us have this sense that, like, we have not enough time and too much time, at the same time. And we never know, like what we should be spending our energy on or where we should be spending our time because we're out of our usual routine. And we don't have the usual sense of like, well, this is important. And this is urgent. It's like everything seems important and urgent and nothing does. So I think this is a great time to actually just really check in with your priorities, and figure out whenever something comes along, like, Is this where I really want to be spending my energy right now?


Sarah Weaver 11:29

Absolutely. And I think there's two like action steps that the audience can walk away with, I think it's called a yes and no list. And I think that you should make a yes, if you're single, you should make I mean, even if you're in a relationship, but you should make a yes and no list for what you're looking for in a partner. And like, these are things that I want to say yes to and that make me feel good. And then these are things that make me want to say no, and I want to stay away from and you got to be honest with yourself, like don't cut yourself short. But then also, maybe have a trusted friend look over that list and be like, okay, girlfriend, like you're being--your standards are way too high, and like no human can like accomplish what's on your list. And then also do the same exact thing. I took inventory. Gosh, it's probably been, it was probably May of last year, as like the world started opening sorry, as New Zealand started opening up again. And I kind of went reemerged into civilization after after our about nine week lockdown. And I made a yes or no list. And so I took inventory of things that brought me joy made me more productive, kind of created this, like who does Sarah want to be? And are these action steps making me that person. So like one thing, for example that I cut out was I cut out grabbing my phone very first thing in the morning. And now asked me how long that lasted. I'm definitely back into that nasty habit. But I made an effort. And now that I'm going on air and talking about it again, I should probably commit to that activity again. But but other things that I got rid of was reality TV, I even took inventory of my friends and who I like allowed to take up my time and do zoom calls with and WhatsApp messages. And I really just took inventory of like, yes, this is serving me And no, this isn't. And obviously like buying too much Snackfood that went on the no list. And I frankly cut it out. And I can proudly say almost a year later, that that's something that's not in my life anymore. And so I think that creating that yes, and no list is so important. And then you got to revisit it. Because Does anyone else find that? Like when you do a goal setting session, you're like, Okay, I'm gonna read 20 books and 2021 I'm gonna walk 10,000 steps a day. And the reality is, is like, okay, those are both really important activities. But are they important to who you really want to become? Are you just doing that because you feel like the internet is telling you that that's what you should do. And so I think you need to check in with yourself every quarter. And make sure is my yes and no list still relevant to the Sarah that I am right now. And the Sarah that I want to be tomorrow.



Adrienne MacIain 14:05

This actually reminds me of a great dating story. So I had this friend Aydin, who I absolutely adore. And we dated for a little while, but it was really clear that we were better as friends. And this wasn't really you know, "it" for for either of us. And so then he came to me with like, the girls that he was dating and was asking for advice and stuff. And so I kind of became his like best friend helping him out through this. And he was like, okay, so I'm seeing this gal and I feel like I should like her more than I do. And I'm wondering if I should give her another chance. And I was like 'Aydin, if it's not a Fuck yes, it's a fuck no.' Okay? And he was like, 'Oh!' And like two weeks later, he writes me and he's like, 'I found my fuck yes.' And they're married, they have a kid. And I was like, yeah, dude, cuz that's the thing. You have to find your fuck yes, that person that just makes you go oh yeah, this is it. Because if you settle for less, then you end up with less, and I totally get the thing of like, okay, you have to make your standards realistic, but at the same time, I really want to encourage people to think about what are those maybe top five things, the things that you value the most, where it's like, no, these are my must haves. Like if this person is not like sane, fit, financially stable, you know, whatever it is, that's super important to you, find those things, and don't compromise on that stuff. Don't compromise on that stuff. Because what you put up with, you end up with.



Sarah Weaver 15:58

Ooh I love that.


Adrienne MacIain 15:59

And then there you are.


Sarah Weaver 16:01

Exactly, your non-negotiables, everyone, you should have non-negotiables in everything. But probably even more importantly, with the person that you're going to, hopefully spend the rest of your life with, or spend the majority of your time with.



Adrienne MacIain 16:12

Or even just within like, a month of your life with, right? Like don't waste a month of your life on someone that you know is not right for you. You know, like that month is precious, you could have been spending that month learning another language, I don't know something.


Sarah Weaver 16:28

Yeah, or just being happy.


Adrienne MacIain 16:30

Exactly


Sarah Weaver 16:31

And I think life is so hard. Like, I think you and I both are incredibly positive people, I think we have a lot of fun in the little things in life and the big things in life. But at the end of the day life is really hard. And so don't make it harder by being with someone that you're not stoked about.


Adrienne MacIain 16:48

Or who makes you feel like you're difficult to love. I mean, that's a really big one. For me, it's like, if you're with someone that you have to convince them, that you're worth it, get out of there, get out of there, I wrote a whole book about this called Enough where it's like, you just have to, like recognize there's somebody out there who is going to absolutely adore you exactly the way that you are. And you're going to adore them the way that you are, they are like there may be things that you would like, encourage them to look at, you know, but at the end of the day, like you will always love them just the way they are because of who they are. You know?


Sarah Weaver 17:26

Exactly. And and their flaws, or their shortcomings are things that you can live with, because you're not going to change them.


Adrienne MacIain 17:33

Exactly.


Sarah Weaver 17:34

Especially if you're listening to this podcast, and you're older than 25. Like that person that you are dating is maybe a little bit malleable, but they ain't changing. They are who they are.


Adrienne MacIain 17:45

They might change for themselves, you know, if they realize that a change needs to happen, but they ain't never going to change for anybody else, nor should they. Because that's not the way life works. Right? Your life is not a democracy. Nobody else gets a vote, even your partner: you are you, and you decide these things. And so if you come into a relationship thinking, Oh, this person is perfect, except this one thing I'm going to change? Get out of there, you are not going to change that thing, whatever that thing is.



Sarah Weaver 18:16

Well, and I think it goes to say that it's a mirror. And so you also need to look in the mirror and say, am I someone that I would want to date? And and be really honest about the things that are you going to attract a life partner with the things that you do and say and believe?


Adrienne MacIain 18:35

Absolutely. So yeah, you, for example, like you've created this amazing, financially stable, like situation for yourself. Right? Congratulations. That's amazing. So many women, I think in particular, are looking for somebody who's financially stable, because they just don't see that in the cards for them. Right? They think, Oh, it's just way too difficult for me to you know, become financially stable, and independent on my own. So I need to find someone who's going to support me. And that really, really narrows your options, first of all. And second of all, like you said, Would you want to date someone who's just dating people for financial stability? I wouldn't.


Sarah Weaver 19:17

Yeah, it's really interesting, I immediately think of a couple that I know. And they really fit that like traditional mold of the like, husband and the wife. So the husband goes to work and the woman stays home and provides for her family. And frankly, I think it really works for them. Like I think they're both incredibly happy. And so if you're the woman that you just described, that wants to be with someone that's financially stable, then you're probably going to have to be really intentional about finding a man who views a partnership that way, and maybe move to the Midwest, and I think that that's there. Um, and whereas for me like that would never work for me. That wouldn't make me happy. That wouldn't be the type of person that I would be attracted to. But nothing wrong with that like that, like good for you. If that's what works for you, you just probably have to be really intentional. Just like I'm intentional on the opposite side, like, I'm not really going to date I joke and this doesn't this isn't this is meant to be a joke, but I I don't date a med student, I date a doctor. And so I'm not looking for someone who's like an undecided major trying to figure out their life. I want someone that's like pretty clear on their path. Could they be struggling? Could they be in the startup years? Of course, but I'm not really looking for a passion project.


Adrienne MacIain 20:36

Yeah, yeah. And to be clear, I'm not trying to like, shit on anybody's values. It's like, it's important to you. So what I'm saying is, maybe take a look at what are the things that I'm looking for in a partner? Is there anything there that I could just do for myself? Like, can I create one myself, this situation that I'm expecting a partner to create for me. And if you can do that, the more you can do that, I think the better your chances become of finding someone that you can just absolutely adore exactly as they are. Because you're not looking for someone to fill in the gaps for you.


Sarah Weaver 21:15

Yes, I love that. And I think also one mistake that I've made, that I would love for people to learn from is I relied too much on my partner emotionally. And I wouldn't say financially, that wouldn't be like quite a fair presentation. But I definitely, like for example, he would come home. And I would just like, unleash my bad day on him. And I was not self aware enough to realize like, some of those conversations like should have been shared with my manager at work. So that actually was productive. and solving a problem should probably be shared with my best girlfriend, who gives really good advice should probably be shared with my mom, who I love and trust. But instead, I was looking at this one human to wear like five different hats. And to like, tell me that I looked good and pretty and loved. And it was just my expectations for that poor man were way too high. And I'm now glad to say that I can like look back and self reflection. And I don't do that anymore. And I have like, I think everyone kind of has like, you know, you have the friend that you love to like get silly drunk with you have the friend that you love to go to concerts with. You have the friend that you like love just walking around target with. And those probably aren't the same three people? Or maybe they are but for me, they're not. And so like, there's someone that I talk about business, there's someone that I talk about with boys, you know, and so I think that that's something to make sure like, are you putting too much pressure on your own relationship, and it's that way it's failing?



Adrienne MacIain 22:45

Absolutely. My friend, my lovely friend, Stephanie, who actually did my Valentine's Day, episode last year, always loves to talk about her Three Guy theory, that you know, you need at least three guys in your life, you need one to travel with, you need one for companionship on the everyday level. And then you need the guy who just like gives you the fire in your loins right? Well, amazing if you can find all of those things in one person. But a lot of us need a best friend to do some of that stuff. Or we need a therapist or even counselor or somebody you know. And I think it's really, it's a really smart thing to recognize that you do need these people, especially right now, I think there's a lot of burden being put on partners when they're quarantined together. And so I really want to like not just single people, this has been a hard time for everybody in so many ways. And so if you are realizing that your relationship is really strained right now, and that this might be a really difficult time for you guys to get through. I know it's really hard to not be able to miss somebody because they're always there. So really find ways to do your own thing. Even if you're stuck in the same like studio apartment together. Take your time to have your me time to let let your partner have their time to have their me time. Encourage them to have their own projects and their own people. You know, I think that stuff is really, really important. And I I mean, I absolutely adore my guy and like I would spend 24 seven with him if I could, but then I know that it would be problems.


Sarah Weaver 24:27

Yeah, absolutely.


Adrienne MacIain 24:28

We do this thing where, every day that we can, we go for a walk together. And that walk is the time where we really like connect and have quality time and like decompress and talk about things. But you know, when we're working, like, we're working, we don't stop and chat. He's got his stuff going on, and I've got my stuff going on, even though we share an office like we try to keep that kind of cubicle wall up of like, you're working on your stuff right now. And I respect that and I think one thing I can really advise everybody to do right now is create a social life for yourself. Even if you're stuck inside, zoom with people, chat with people, call people, do all those things you know, and not just social media. Don't just like post to a bunch of people, like have actual real social time with people that you care about. Be intentional about it.


Sarah Weaver 25:24

And that's really good advice for single people. So one thing that I've kind of noticed is it used to be back in the day, even in my childhood, and I just turned 31. And so in my childhood, I was best friends with my neighbor, Kim, like shout out, Hey, Kim. And then when High School came around, we kind of went separate ways nothing dramatic or negative happen. But she got a different group of friends, and different hobbies. And I got a different group of friends and different hobbies. And then I had a different group of friends. But then as I got older, and my like hobbies and interests change, this incredible thing came available to us called the internet. So I could literally go online and find entrepreneurial women who love to travel. Like, how cool is that? So I joined that Facebook group. And then I actually like met them in person and now have like three best friends that I talk to every single week for years, even though we live in different parts of the world. And then I did the same exact thing, but expanded to a non woman's only group. And I met with entrepreneurs who are making six figures or more, who loved to travel or want to live like a large international life. And I'm hoping that like through more and more connections like this, I'm surrounding myself with people that I want to emulate. And secretly--hidden agenda!--I'm really hoping that I meet a guy, because how cool would it be to have my life partner have a lot of the same beliefs that I do and the interest. One thing that I really struggled with living in the States, especially in the Midwest, was guys just like we're not like privy to my lifestyle. And so for those listening, I have been nomadic for five years. Right now I'm like living in communal space in New Zealand, I have a van that I travel with on the weekends, I work completely from my MacBook. And so I'll never forget, when I was in a relationship with someone, and I just saw it as like light hearted dating, I was working on a Renault project in Kansas and just really wanted companionship. And he said to me, Sarah, I'm falling in love with you, but I think you're gonna leave. And immediately in my head, I'm like, Well, yeah, I am gonna leave. And you can come with me. But I mean, I know you're not going to because that's not your lifestyle. And it was a huge wake up call that I was like, wow, like, I'm not being fair to this person who's like clearly catching feels, and I have total different agenda. And so I really started being more purposeful of like saying no to guys that didn't want the same things that I have. And so circling back to what I started on, is, we can find people that are interested in the same things as us. So like, I'm obsessed with the game Settlers of Catan, I think it would be really cool to like find a group of people that also love that game. I love reading books on travel. So I'll join a book club that does that, whatever. Like your thing is the internet is there to like help you find people that are into it, even in a time of pandemic and COVID where you're quarantined to your house.



Adrienne MacIain 28:26

Absolutely. I think that's such great advice. Just in dating in general, great advice is to spend more time doing the things that you love doing. Because then you will meet people who also love doing those things. You if you really are putting your time and energy into the things that you value, you will inevitably find people who value those things and be able to, you know, really connect with them. And that is the best way to find someone who's compatible with you. Right?


Sarah Weaver 29:02

Yeah, I think the going back to what you're talking about when you and your partner do a good job of spending time apart, there's no better investment that you can make than in yourself. Because also if your partner's doing the same thing, and they're constantly investing in himself, and he's trying to get better, like doesn't that pay tenfold to your relationship and make him more attractive to you make him more attracted to you and vice versa? I just think it's so beautiful when people take the time to invest in themselves.



Adrienne MacIain 29:30

Absolutely. Yeah. So what advice would you give so they're, you know, people who are like stuck in, in quarantine stuck inside their houses, you know, feel scared to go on actual dates, right now. What advice can you give them in terms of how to just meet and spend time with interesting prospects?


Sarah Weaver 29:56

Whew! That's a really hard one and I feel bad because frankly, I can't sympathize with a lot of people because no, like, we've been COVID-free here in New Zealand for a really long time. I did a nine week lockdown. And that was it. And then like was released back into the wild. And, and so I think you have to first check in with yourself and find out your comfort level. So I know some of my friends are going like socially distance dates, and that's working for them. I know other friends that are like just choosing to like spend a lot of time texting someone on a dating app, finding out how much exposure that person is having to the outside world and then deciding if they can go on a date with that person. But I really think like, right, now's the best time to do exactly what we just talked about, which is invest in yourself. So really take heed, and the fact that you should come out of this pandemic, a better version of yourself. Am I saying that because I think like everyone's just constantly working on self improvement and everything's happy? No, I definitely I hear my friends. I hear the anxiety in their in their lives and in their voices. And I know that this has been really hard. And so I don't want to be in but I don't want to like not be sympathetic. But I do think that sometimes you just kind of dust yourself off off and realize that like this isn't going to get any better anytime soon. And so figure out what your comfort level is. And then make an effort to meet people online. Like I just said, like, join a running group join a, like people who love craft beer in Portland, like whatever your like thing is just start meeting people online. Because there's not really much else you can do from my understanding, I guess, tell me if that's wrong?


Adrienne MacIain 31:36

No, that's very true. And I would say, don't, you know, limit yourself to what exists, create something, right? If you are super passionate about, you know, writing about greenhouses, I don't know, then create a group for people who love to write about greenhouses, you know, like find those people put yourself out there project your you know, your little signal out into the universe and see what comes back. You know?


Sarah Weaver 32:07

I love that. Manifest it guys, manifest it!


Adrienne MacIain 32:09

Absolutely. So speaking of which, let's, let's do a little exercise here. So, I'm going to take you into your ideal partnership.


Sarah Weaver 32:20

Okay.


Adrienne MacIain 32:20

Okay. So I want you to close your eyes for a moment. I will wave my magic wand and you are now in your perfect, ideal partnership. And I want you to wake up first thing in the morning and look over, and here's your partner next to you. And just tell me what you see.


Sarah Weaver 32:43

Okay, so I wake up--I'm gonna open my eyes--so I wake up and he immediately just makes me feel like at ease. I don't feel like I have to like, you know, what, what's that? marvelous Mrs. Maisel where she like, sneaks out of bed and does does her hair and makeup and then gets back into bed. I love that movie or that show. Um, so I immediately feel like no matter what craziness, my face, and my hair and my terrible morning breath are doing like, I'm like feeling like, Okay, I'm loved. And I can just show up in the world how I am. Like, this is the one safe space in my life where I don't have to put on a face. I don't have to put on lipstick. I don't have to ring light. I can just be who I am. So that's like the first feeling that I have there.


Adrienne MacIain 33:34

Take a deep breath there. Feel that: you are loved. Completely, exactly as you are. Everything you do, and it's not just like and I can tell you I have this. So this this is not an unrealistic expectation. Okay? This guy, he thinks I look amazing in like flannel pajamas. I got rid of all my lingerie. I threw it away. I got rid of all of it, because he thinks I look amazing in frickin' flannel pajamas. Okay, so he thinks you look gorgeous. First thing in the morning. Your hair is perfect. As far as he's concerned, you look amazing. And he just looks at you. And I want you to see that look on his face, where he's looking at you like you are just the most gorgeous, perfect, amazing thing he's ever seen in his life. And just soak that in for a second.


Sarah Weaver 34:27

And I felt it. That's the really--I love that you bring that up because yes, this is possible. And frankly, I'm not going to settle for less. Do I think that it comes easily? Heck no, I think you have I think you make a choice every day to love that person. I think everyone thinks I shouldn't say that. I think some people think that love and marriage is something that you should feel all the time. And I frankly think that's why divorce is so kind of like the the easy choice for a lot of people is because they think like wait, shouldn't this be fun? And absolutely, life should be fun. But it's it's hard, like life is hard and marriage I think is harder.



Adrienne MacIain 35:08

Here's my feeling about it. I see love as an active verb, it's not something you fall into. And then like, oops, fall out of, right? It's something you create as a team. And living your hard life together, is what that activity is. So whatever comes up, like, yeah, hard stuffs gonna come up. But if you look at it as a fun game that you guys play as a team together, that's gonna get you through it. If you look at it as marriage is hard, and bit and relationships are hard, then it's like you're pitting yourselves against each other. Relationships are fun, relationships are easy, as long as you guys are on the same team, and you're dealing with all the hard crap that comes up in life as a team.


Sarah Weaver 35:57

Yeah, and I love that. So I approached a friend of mine, and I asked her, like, is marriage hard? And she was like, not really. She's like, my, her name is Lizzie. And she was like, honestly, like, we have so much fun together. And sometimes when we hear people say marriage is hard, we like, are like, Wait, are we doing something differently? Like, like tearing it? Well, how did how are we doing this? so well. And then so I took that took that same conversation, I took it to my friend Laura, who's been with her boyfriend, now husband, for Gosh, I mean, I joke that they've been together since they were like, 12. And she's so funny. And she said, Oh, she goes, it's funny. I've talked to my husband about this. And I one time shouted in our tiny apartment, like, Hey, is being married to me hard. And he goes, nope, not really. And she goes, yep, cuz I'm a fucking gym to be married to. And I love that, because I think she's like, I think that he's right. He's not lying, he would tell her if like it was hard. And I think both of them are really good examples of choosing the partner that was right for them. They, they both have their cup, both of their lifestyles are completely aligned with their partner, they want the same things. They also they all have larious sense of humor, and, and they really value each other. And what's really cool is like, when I visit them, I usually stay at their house because they live out of state. And so I get to see their whole routine, maybe it's a little different, because of course, I'm present. But I like I look over and I'm like, gosh, they like really love each other. And like you feel it and like, and I'm lucky to say what my parents have that. Like, I feel it when I'm in their presence, like they freaking love each other. And even when it's hard, or in their cases, I guess isn't all hard. But I think that's because they make a choice every day.


Adrienne MacIain 37:47

Yeah, there's a great study that they did, where they had newlywed couples come in. And they actually observed them in the lobby, like with, you know, video cameras. And then they had them come in and you know, ask them some interview questions, but it was actually what they did in the lobby that they were most interested in. And then they tracked those couples over time. And they, like predicted with I think 90% accuracy, who was going to stay together and who was going to get divorced. And it was because they could figure it out just by when someone would make a bid for the other person's, you know, energy or attention. Did that person enthusiastically turn toward them and engage or not? And that's the whole frickin thing. That's what relationships are. It's like, you make a bid say, hey, look, there's a bird outside. And either your partner goes, What cool, you know, where, let me see. Or they're like, I'll be with you in a minute.


Sarah Weaver 38:53

I love that.


Adrienne MacIain 38:54

And that's the whole thing. It's like, you, you, you make that effort. And that's what the verb of love is, is care. Do you care enough about this person to show your care and care for them and care with them for what they care about. Now, you don't have to be as passionate about you know, like, if you're, let's say your husband's really into football, and you could not care less about football. Like, you don't have to sit there and watch the games and do the whole thing with them. Right? But when they come to you all excited about football. Don't shut them down. You know, don't say I don't know anything about football. I don't want to talk about this. You just go oh my gosh, you're so excited about this. That's awesome. I love how excited you are about this. Just celebrate their passion around things.


Sarah Weaver 39:43

Yes and don't like that makes me so excited. Like I too am like I really like football Kansas City Chiefs are headed to the Super Bowl. By the time this airs. Hopefully we have one and and but like I want to be with someone who isn't the zeolitic about something. It doesn't need to be what I'm enthusiastic about it's probably life is probably more interesting if they're into something I'm not into. But isn't that the kind of person that you want to be with like that, like, I just pictured that relationship that you just like described, and I'm like, I want that. Like, I want someone that is so stoked on something, that it bleeds into that enthusiasm bleeds into my life. And that's really what I'm looking for. Because like, we only get so many trips around the sun. And I want to be with someone that's excited to be living life with me.


Adrienne MacIain 40:28

Alright, so let's bring you back into that. You're with this man. And he's so passionate. He's so enthusiastic, so excited. So he sees you, he adores you. But he's got to jump up and get his day going, because he's got the fire in his belly. Right? So he gets up, he's doing his thing. What is that guy up to?


Sarah Weaver 40:49

Um, whatever he does professionally, like really does fuel him. And so it's so funny. I told my mom, gosh, years ago, we're sitting in the car. We're driving from Kansas to Iowa. It was a long car ride. And I we were just joking about like, what professions we think would be a really good partner. So we were we were being silly. We said, Oh, investment banker, no a pilot so that they can fly around No, a plastic surgeon so that we could get free work done. No, no a dentist, because then we have really nice teeth. And they don't work very many hours, but they make good money. And I said, You know, I think I really want to be with a real estate developer. I like really find that industry interesting. And I think they could make their own hours, they make a ton of money. And we can like, look at something and be like, I built that. And I love it. My mom turned to me. And she said, Why don't you become a real estate developer. And so I think that whatever my like partner does for his life, he's really into it. And it bleeds into probably everything. Just like my Instagram account is just like an infusion of travel in real estate. Because that's my life. Like, that's what I talk about. That's what I do. It's who I am. And that's important to me. So whatever industry he's in, it's like definitely his thing, he hasn't settled for anything less than something he's excited about. And Heck, he could be excited about computer programming, or bitcoins or being a nurse, like I don't frankly, really care what it is, as long as he doesn't bring home the garbage every day. And just like Oh, I hate my boss, I hate my company that, like I don't have time for that. And that's not the partner I am. And that's not the partner I'm looking for.


Adrienne MacIain 42:29

So let's just say, so that you can really picture this, that he is, in fact, a real estate developer. You both do that for a living. You don't necessarily work, you know, as a team or partnership. But you both do this, and are both really successful at it. Okay. So I want you to see that he's really excited about a deal that has just gone through. And so you guys are going to celebrate, what is it that you're going to do to celebrate this?


Sarah Weaver 42:59

So in non COVID times, or maybe here in New Zealand, we are going to head out to his favorite restaurant. And the bartender is going to welcome us because he knows us. And he's going to pour our drink or make sure Hey, Sarah, you want to you want to mezcal Yes, Yes, Yes, I do. And, and we are gonna really be present. So maybe we have our phones with us, because we're not ridiculous. We're not going to leave our phones at home. But but we're not. That's not who we are. We're not our phones are on the table. We don't really give a crap what else anyone else is doing. Because like we really enjoy each other's company. One of my love languages is quality time. And I've had the most success with partners that either really know that and appreciate that and probably even more success with someone who's their love languages, also, quality time. And so I think that that to me, like with a great cocktail, and hopefully a great view and New Zealand and great views are like everywhere. But really just like connecting together. That's the most important thing. And so it has to be at home in the time of COVID then like, hopefully we have all the right ingredients.


Adrienne MacIain 44:10

Absolutely. Yeah, quality time is huge for me. So let's talk a little bit about love languages. Since you brought that up. I think it is so useful and important to know what says love to you, and to figure out what your partner's love language is so that you know how to communicate love effectively to them. Because you can be with someone you know who so for example, I was with this guy for a while. And he was his love language was acts of service. And so he was constantly doing these things that I didn't ask him to do. Right to show me that he cared. And it was just frustrating to me because it was like okay, I didn't really ask you to do this and be I would have much rather that you spent that time just with me. Like you spent all this time like fixing my car or doing this or doing that but like didn't really ask you to do and, you know, instead we could have, you know, gone for a long walk together.


Sarah Weaver 45:06

Yes. So I think first let's, let's tell the audience the five love languages. So it's a book by Gary Campbell I believe. And and there's an online quiz that you can take, it's like 15 minutes long. And so I highly recommend taking it. And okay, so the five love languages are: quality time, acts of service, like you mentioned, words of affirmation, giving and receiving gifts, and physical touch. And so I think acts of service is usually the one that's like the most misunderstood. So I love that you talked about like him fixing your car, or for me, it might be like making my morning coffee, which I love for my future husband out there. That's like, I love that. And so I love to tell the story of how actually taking this quiz, like changed my relationship with my mom. And if she's likely going to listen to this, because she's one of my biggest fans. And I actually don't know if I've ever talked to her about this. So I'm excited to share this with you and her. So we took this and my two love languages are quality time and words of affirmation. So like, just like you, if you spend time with me, and we go on a walk, and you tell me that you're proud of me, or that I look good, or that I did a good job, like, I'm, I'm on cloud nine. Hers are physical touch, and acts of service. So how this plays out is if I visit her, um, which happens now not very often, but it used to happen once or twice a year. And if I visit her and we have dinner together usually take out because neither her I like to cook. But we'll put the things on plate so that we don't like we're not eating out of the plastic bowls sometimes. So we put the things on plates, and we eat dinner. And she checks her phone, because she loves her social media. And then when dinner ends, she immediately wants to clear the table. And she's probably a little irritated with me that I don't jump up and do the dishes. But what do I want, I want to pour another glass of wine and I keep wanting that I keep. I want to keep the conversation going. Because I want to spend more time with my mom. She's like one of my favorite people. I think she's hilarious, she's insightful, I love speaking with her. And to be with her in person is really a treat because of my lifestyle. But the whole time she's like looking at the dishes and they are driving her like absolutely mad. So what does she do, she gets up and she starts doing the dishes, she can't hear me over the running water, she's annoyed with me that I'm not helping her. I'm annoyed with her that she's not having another glass of wine with me. And it just turns into this tension that really doesn't need to happen. Because instead what I should do, instead of expecting her to change I should jump up help her with the dishes make sure that she has a full glass of wine and then we should sit back down immediately after the dishes are done. And I think that that is because I've took this silly little online quiz about love languages.


Adrienne MacIain 47:58

Yeah, love languages. Like you said I've had that experience in so many relationships where I suddenly realized like oh, this isn't working because they're trying to show me love in this way but I'm not hearing it and I'm trying to show them love in a way that they're not getting it so can be so useful. Now I want to just take you back one more time to your your ideal perfect life here. You said he's gonna make you coffee so of course you've got your you know your your cup of coffee right you guys have he told you that you know you're going to celebrate tonight you're going to go out you're going to have this amazing time. But right now I want you, you're both gonna go down and make breakfast together. And so I want you to describe to me what what that experience is for you of making breakfast with this perfect partner in this perfect house in your perfect life.



Sarah Weaver 48:58

Okay, so because I'm in real estate I know exactly what the house looks like, depending on what I guess depending on what house we're in and what part of the country but we have a ton of natural light coming in we have a view of some kind it doesn't really matter to me if it's mountains or beach but we we have a beautiful view and a ton of natural light and the energy just feels calm. Like the the like stress of my to do list hasn't hit me. And same with him. I feel like he's got this I actually had a really great partnership years ago, where I packed his lunch and he made breakfast because I can make a sandwich and about nothing more than that. And he was a really good cook. And so we had this like really great routine and you know, just like the small I think his love languages were words of affirmation and physical touch. And, and he would tell me like hey, I really appreciate that you like bought the nicest, whatever for my lunch or Oh, I didn't, I noticed that you've got that I really like that. So like, notice the little the effort that I made, and and said something about it. And then don't you love like when you're doing the dishes, or you're just anywhere and you just get like an arm touch, or like squeeze or like a hip bump, or all the best like a hug from behind, just like, Hey, I'm here, and I like adore you. And how good is he's wrapping his arms around you. You're getting that back hug, you're getting that you can feel the breath just right here. And maybe he even whispers a little something in your ear. Yeah, it's just the best. And it's effortle-- I shouldn't say effortless because I think you make a decision to do these things. But it like when you see that person, you're like, Oh, I immediately want to wrap my arms around that person. It's like not a chore.


Adrienne MacIain 50:52

Yeah, I, again, I just don't feel the effort of it. Like it flows for me so easily. And I think part of that is just the the habit and the commitment. You know, once something's a habit, it's really easy, and you don't think about it. And so if you're in the habit of showing someone that you adore them like that, it becomes natural. It doesn't it's not work. It's like, yeah, it's so fun to to walk up behind somebody and wrap your arms around them and tell them how much you love them. Because you know, how well that's going to be received. And that you're going to get the exact same thing back in return. Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah. So we're about to wrap up here. But I just want to say like, what's, what do you think is the main kind of message or takeaway for the listeners today? How can you create love in your life? Right now? Whether you are in quarantine or not?


Sarah Weaver 51:51

Whoo, I love it: create love. Is that for another person or for yourself?


Adrienne MacIain 51:57

Yes.


Sarah Weaver 51:59

I think that I immediately answer the question with if you you got to love yourself. You got to love yourself with like, the good, the bad, and the ugly, because there's no one harder on you than yourself. And people can feel it. Like I can feel it when I go on a date with someone. And I'm like, that guy doesn't not love himself. Like he's got a lot of baggage and a lot of issues. And I don't really want him to unpack his luggage in my life. And so I think the very first thing that people can do when they in this episode is grab a piece of paper and write down three things that they like about themselves. And some days it's my hair. And some days, it's my attitude. And some days, it's an accomplishment that I have, but it doesn't really matter. The Act is more important. So write down three things that you love about yourself. Yes. And of course make that Yes, please. No thank you list. Yes, clarify exactly what you're looking for and what you're not going to put up with?


Adrienne MacIain 53:04

Absolutely. So I talk a lot about that in the latter half of my book, Enough. So you guys can check that out. But where can the people at home find you miss Sarah Weaver?


Sarah Weaver 53:17

Yes. So Sarah D. Weaver has been monopolized everywhere on the internet. So LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram, those are probably the best places to find me. And so it's just Sarah D. Weaver. I'm sure we'll have a link in the notes. But if anyone wants to reach out, especially any eligible real estate developers know, then like reach out because I think the world can be as small as you make it.


Adrienne MacIain 53:42

Thank you so much, Sarah. Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!


Sarah Weaver 53:45

Happy Valentine's Day!


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