The Rapture of Rupture w/ Devika Dey

They say every cloud has a silver lining, but sometimes that lining is pure gold. After her toxic, arranged marriage ended, Devika Dey became a relationship coach, helping women build resilience and move on from tough break-ups. But in 2020, she had a breakdownthrough that showed her the bigger picture of how her guilt, shame, and fear were affecting not just her sense of worthiness in relationships, but in her career as well. Now she helps women apply that same resilience to leadership, so they can thrive across all areas of their lives.

Highlight Reel

3:00 - A toxic arranged marriage

7:10 - 2020, the ultimate break-up

12:00 - Professional toxicity

18:30 - The gift of rupture

19:00 - The same inner voice runs every show

28:30 - Bad things aren't always bad

32:00 - Surfing the seas of grief

Adrienne MacIain 0:01

Hi, everyone. Welcome to the That's Aloud podcast. I'm your hostess Dr. Adrienne MacIain. And today we're here with Devika Dey, please introduce yourself, Devika.

Devika Dey 0:11

Hi, thank you so much. Um, yes. So my name is Devika. I am a love and leadership coach. And I know that's like: what sort of title is that, right?

Adrienne MacIain 0:24

Just to clarify, the look on my face is like, that sounds awesome. I want to learn more about that, because of course, I'm a creation coach, so everybody looks at me sideways too like, what does that even mean? Go on.

Devika Dey 0:35

Oh, thank you. Um, yes. So it's... love and leadership, it's... Okay, I'm gonna get into that a little later. So what I do is I help female business owners, women in business, basically--you don't necessarily need to be a business owner--basically use their experience of breakup as a kind of like this radical path to embody leadership. So generally speaking, I tend to use people's breakups to help them get over imposter syndrome in leadership.

Adrienne MacIain 1:11

Well, there's obviously a story behind that.

Devika Dey 1:16

Yes there is.

Adrienne MacIain 1:17

So let's start there, how did you come to that?

Devika Dey 1:23

Very good question. Actually, prior to last year, all I was was a relationship coach, I just helped women when it came to breakups. That's it. So they were having problems with breakups, so having problems with kind of moving on, let's just put it that way. They were in that stuck phase, like when you go through a breakup, you tend to, let's be honest, go crazy for a bit, and that's totally fine. That's absolutely acceptable. That's acceptable behavior, everyone, to go crazy after a breakup. So yeah, but then after the craziness, people get stuck. Or sometimes they can get stuck. And I help them move past the stuckness. So move past that area that's starting to go make them feel a little bit gray in their life, they feel like really depleted, they lack energy. And kind of move beyond that. And the reason why I chose that particular niche in that particular area to work around with people was because obviously, I went some through something like that myself. Yeah, exactly. How could that happen to me after a breakup? Yeah. So I went through a massive kind of upheaval after my divorce. And my divorce was actually kind of interesting, because I, I had an arranged marriage. Right. So I didn't know. Yeah, so I didn't know my ex husband. And then I married him. I mean, I didn't really know him. Like I knew him a little bit, because we like emailed occasionally. So yeah. But I didn't really know him. And then I got the relationship wasn't too bad, but it ended up going into this really toxic sort of place. This really kind of messed up place. And--

Adrienne MacIain 3:18

Can you just give us a little--you don't have to give too much detail, but can you give us maybe an anecdotal example of the kind of toxicity you're talking about?

Devika Dey 3:27

Yeah. So gaslighting, bullying, all that sort of stuff, kind of really started walking on eggshells, myself, around my ex husband, because I didn't know what his mood was going to be. I didn't know when his anger was just going to be, you know, kind of unleashed. And it was going south fast, like really fast. So this is actually something I do acknowledge and is, I think, really great, I suppose for my ex husband to do for me, because I was at that state in that relationship where I would not have left it. Absolutely not, I would not have left him I would have put up with any crap. Because I was at that state where I was like, I clearly am a bad human being and I deserve all this, right? So I was taking it on, like, no one treats someone like this unless they truly deserve this behavior. So yeah, so I took it on is like, Okay, I'm not 100% and I need to step up, and I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I'm going to try everything you can to, you know, not trigger this anger all the time. And he recognized that he wasn't going to stop being angry, and he told me to get out before the relationship got worse. So he recognized and acknowledged, yeah, that he was gonna get violent. And he told me to leave.

Adrienne MacIain 4:51

That is remarkable. I have to say, I mean, yeah, I don't know if you know anything about my background. I am also a survivor of domestic abuse. I wrote a whole book about emotional abuse, specifically, gaslighting, that kind of psyops thing that you get into of trying to control someone just meant by manipulating them emotionally. And I know exactly what you're talking about with that feeling of, I must deserve this. Or I must need someone to control me this way. Because obviously, I'm totally out of control of my own life. And I find it absolutely remarkable that he had the self awareness, to say you need to get out of this, or something really bad's gonna happen. So kudos, kudos to your ex husband.

Devika Dey 5:39

Yeah, exactly. And when I say that some people kind of look at me a little bit strange. They're like, Why are you giving him the credit? And I have to be truthful, I wouldn't have gotten out even if it went to a place of violence, I don't believe, if I'm honest, considering the headspace I was in. Yeah, no, I wouldn't have left. I hate to admit that. But I wouldn't have.

Adrienne MacIain 6:01

I know exactly what you mean. I know exactly what you mean. I luckily had an intervention occur with a friend of mine who pulled me out of it. And I really think, you know, you get to a point where you just it's like, I'm in this till death. You know, I'm just gonna stay in this until I kill myself or he kills me. I mean, and that's so hard to explain to people who haven't been in that space.

Devika Dey 6:25

It is, it is so difficult to explain it to them. Yeah. Yeah.

Adrienne MacIain 6:30

But I mean, it's kind of like people who try to explain extreme depression or, you know, suicidal ideation to someone who's never been there. It's like, of course, when you're not in that state, that's a ridiculous idea. Like, why would you want a permanent solution to a temporary problem? But in that moment, in that space? It seems like the only option.

Devika Dey 6:52

It really does. And it seems like the most sane option, right? Yeah.

Adrienne MacIain 6:58

Yeah. Well, I'm sure we could talk about that all day long. But I can hear that there's a transition point coming here, in, of course, that pivotal year of 2020. So let's talk about what changed.

Devika Dey 7:12

Yeah. Okay, so what changed? So, prior to 2020, again, I was just working around relationships and breakups and all that sort of stuff with women. 2020 was, like everyone else, it was a mammoth year, right? It was the ultimate breakup. It was the ultimate walking away from, divorce, if you will.

Adrienne MacIain 7:34

The entire planet went through a bad breakup at the same time!

Devika Dey 7:37

Exactly, exactly. And everyone hated it.

Adrienne MacIain 7:43

There was, I think, like in any divorce, especially from a toxic relationship, there was a really mixed bag. I think for some people, it was a huge relief. And for some people, it was absolutely the end of the world. And everything in between, and all at the same time.

Devika Dey 8:02

It's so interesting, like, yes, some people have actually kind of reconnected parts of themselves that they had lost touch with. So in that way, yes. 2020. And, look, the same thing happened to me, I reconnected parts of myself that I'd lost touch with. What I had lost touch with was my guilt, my shame, my unworthiness and my fear, right, all the crappy stuff that... so like, literally for five years after my marriage, everything was going gangbusters. I was loving it. I was like, yeah, I'm lovin' life! Like, you know, I was really on top of the world, and then boom, 2020 happens. And it was not like I was trying to bypass all these feelings. But in a weird way, I was bypassing all these feelings. And it was kind of like, okay, you've done enough stuff now. Almost like my body was telling me--my emotions, who knows what else was controlling it, COVID, 2020.... Something happened where, effectively, I couldn't go outside anymore to bypass stuff. I couldn't go to lovely events. I couldn't, you know, do face to face workshops with people and all that sort of stuff. That got me out of this space of really exploring, hmm, the ugly, the yucky, the gross, all that sort of stuff. So I had nowhere to go. And when my city went into lockdown, it all came back. Every single one of those things came back. And effectively what ended up happening was I kind of fell apart. I was in bed for like two weeks. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. It was like going back to those initial phases where knowing that the marriage was over and somehow it was my fault, but not understanding how it was my fault and going through that depressive period again. The good part is, it wasn't that long. Because by that time, when 2020 had happened, I'd already, you know, studied meditation, yoga, and studied Qi Gong, I'd basically lots of resources on how to cope. And so when it hit, and it actually hit me really bad, I was fortunate enough to not need to go down the path of medication, because I understood what was going on. And, you know, I'd taken on further study, learned coaching, started studying psychotherapy. So it was like, I already knew, I was like, oh, this is what it is, okay, let's try and find some resources to help you out. And I did, I reached out, I got those resources, I saw an amazing therapist, who was lovely. And I went back slowly to my practices to just the basic stuff, the baseline stuff that my body could cope with. And eventually, I was sleeping, eating again, you know, I was working again, because for a couple of weeks, I couldn't work. And it was so interesting being in that space, because I forgot what it was like, I absolutely forgot what it was like. And what I then started noticing was, after slowly coming out of that space, was that my personal life wasn't the only place where that level of toxicity existed, it was also in my professional life. And I started noticing a pattern in regards to kind of potentially the partners I'd feel safe with, who were not necessarily great for me, as well as the workplaces I'd feel safe with, which again, wasn't always great workplaces, there was a little bit of a toxicity in the workplace as I was getting attracted to. And that was then like, whoa, like, you know, when you have that massive epiphany, and you start seeing the bigger picture. Yeah, 2020, for me was putting on the brakes to really see the bigger picture. And understanding that the personal, will absolutely feed into the professional in some way.

Adrienne MacIain 12:21

I like to call 2020 the year of clear vision, because that was the year where we started to really see things as they were, and all that noise that we were using to drown out and not look at what was really going on, just went away. And those interactions just went away. And all we had was our own shit to just stare at. Yeah, but it's so beautiful that you had those tools, and that you had that awareness that: this is mine. You didn't start blaming, you didn't start saying, you know, oh, this is you know, it's the pandemic that's doing this to me, or this is how it's, it's my stuff, and I need to look at it. And I have these tools to process it. That's really wonderful.

Devika Dey 13:05

Oh, thank you, I will actually be perfectly honest and say my initial reaction was to be like blaming the government for the disease and everything. I have to be perfectly frank. Yes, I did blame people. I even blamed my family. It was like, guys suck, I got these issues. I hardly went down that rabbit hole. But everyone was like, you're insane, clearly, this is the breakdown, everyone was expecting at some point. But that didn't serve me. And after a few days, I was like, this is a bunch of crap. And you know, it's a bunch of crap. Okay, you need to now start doing being a grown up and actually look at yourself acting like, you know, a teenager or toddler or something like something, you know, it's just in mature really in mature.

Adrienne MacIain 13:59

It's just so human. I mean, it's our it's our go to, it's like, someone must have done this to me. I wouldn't do this to myself.

Devika Dey 14:09

Absolutely, absolutely. I totally went there. But it wasn't for a very long time. You know, it wasn't for a long time. And if I'm honest, I think that in that is actually what 2020 showed me. I needed to go through that, because I hadn't been through that. And, you know, since my divorce, I hadn't gone through that and hadn't had that experience of, Oh, this is what it's like to blame everyone because in the past, like prior to 2020 2019 I was like, I am accountable. I'm taking responsibility. Yay me. You know what I mean? I would just absolutely take accountability for everything. And then that lovely in mature part of me cropped up in 2020 where I was not willing to take accountability for anything ever again, anymore.

Adrienne MacIain 14:59

Well, I think you know, like you said, first of all, it was just a little overwhelming for everyone. There was so much going on that it's totally understandable for a while that we just floundered and went, rraaaah, what's going on? I don't know. But the fact that, you know, you were aware enough to step back and say, well, this isn't serving me, I need to do something different. I stand by my original assessment, that that was a really good way to handle this.

Devika Dey 15:29

Yeah, exactly. And as much as it was interesting to me to then notice that I kind of resisted starting to take accountability. But the moment I did, it became easier. And I was able to get it as much as I could, given what I was going through. And it was like really starting to look at things from a much larger perspective, and really start mapping out the dots. And that was really what was needed, I needed actually to go inwards to that level, in order to, you know, really look at the bigger picture and appreciate it for what it was. Because it was actually kind of phenomenal for me to sit there and take accountability for like, oh, so this is one: why I would run away from leadership? Or why I would not necessarily speak up in board meetings? Or why I would, you know, let someone else kind of intimidate me into thinking that I didn't know what I was doing. Because I'd been through that kind of, you could say, gaslighting behaviors also at work. Right? I definitely been through some something similar at work as well. And it was so interesting for me to look at what I went through in my marriage and start to map out what I'd gone through professionally. And I was like, whoa, so what's going on where I honestly just don't believe I'm worthy of having a voice of being visible of, you know, all this sort of stuff. And if I'm honest, prior to 2020, my business was very small. You know, it was very niche, it was very, like circle orientated. It was very face to face. People kind of introduced themselves or their friends to me, you know, very kind of organic, small business. I would never have done a podcast, let's put it that way. Prior to 2020. There's no way in hell, I would have been like, yes, please world, sign me up to talk about my shit. Like, no, I would never have done that.

Adrienne MacIain 17:45

I'm so glad. I'm so glad that you've come to this, because I think you really have a powerful story that people need to hear.

Devika Dey 17:54

Thank you so much. Um, yeah, it was. And honestly, thank you COVID. Because I would not have gotten that without that time without that space. Without that. You know, going back to going back to those parts of myself that I've been running away from quite a while, actually. Yeah, yeah.

Adrienne MacIain 18:16

So the, we're pretty far in here. But I always like to start with this question. So we'll just throw this out here: what story is the world not getting?

Devika Dey 18:27

Honestly, the world's not getting what a gift, I suppose you can say this, this rupture has been because it was it was a rupture. And a rupture is not necessarily a bad thing. It is a hard thing. It is a challenging thing. You know, it is a challenge. But a rupture can potentially build resilience in a way that we honestly cannot build resilience without it. We need the rupture to build that level of resilience, like deeper resilience, not superficial surface level resilience, but kind of internal resilience. That's the bigger picture. That's the that's the message that I don't think people are necessarily getting with this. This is going to help make us stronger. Without a doubt.

Adrienne MacIain 19:13

Absolutely. So how has it changed you? How has it changed your business?

Devika Dey 19:19

Well, I went from just being relationship coach helping women get over kind of build confidence within themselves again, to not necessarily date but just actually appreciate their existence and appreciate life, even post divorce, post breakup, post partnership. So I've gone from that to working with business women and saying okay, your relationships are also where you carry this narrative of imposter syndrome. Like you do not deserve a certain relationship. Guess what, I'm pretty certain if you're in a position of leadership, or if you're gunning for a position leadership, there's a message or a voice in your head saying, you are also not worthy to be in a position of leadership so that they're basically the same voice. And they're controlling two shows. So we need to address it in from both worlds, essentially. So that's, I kind of remember the question. But that's my answer.

Adrienne MacIain 20:23

I mean, these questions are really just to kind of get you, you know, talking about your story, the bottom line is, you've kind of told us your story. And that's wonderful. Well, who do you think needs to hear your story?

Devika Dey 20:37

Oh, anyone who feels like crap. Anyone who feels that they're always just going to live within this place of guilt, in this place of shame, in this place of unworthiness, in this place of fear. Yes, those things aren't the prettiest and the nicest, but from my experience, give yourself some compassion, and give yourself some time, and perhaps even lean into things that you love first. And because the stuff that we love, right, the stuff that we, that gets us excited, that gives pleasure in our lives, that can help us cultivate the resilience to then face the crap. And if you're feeling the negative stuff, please, I'm not saying bypass them, don't let... it's not a bypass, it's actually moving to an area that's going to help you strengthen, to go back, because I had to move to an area where I had to, you know, really lean into my pleasure and love of existence in order to go back. And once I went back, I realized that all those things weren't necessarily bad, they were just different teachers, for me. And I learned a lot from them. And I'm actually incredibly grateful that I have crappy emotions.

Adrienne MacIain 22:04

See, I think all emotions are wonderful. I really do. I think even the kicking, screaming emotions are are there for a reason, and whenever I get one of those, like, just *whoooo* emotions, I always try to thank it for being here. I say, 'Thank you. I appreciate your trying to be here and trying to help me out. You know, and I just kind of give it a moment like, 'Hey, why are you here? What are you trying to tell me? What do you think you need?' And whatever answer I get back, I just accept that and go, 'Okay, that's what you think you need.' And if I can give it that, you know, whatever it is, I'll do that. And if I can't, I just say, you know, I hear you, like you would with a friend that you're just trying to empathize with, like, 'I hear you, I get that. I can't give you that right now. But I appreciate your being here.' You know, and then often just acknowledging it allows it to dissipate. Just that level of processing of saying 'Hi, sadness. I see you there. Do you need anything?' 'No, I'm good.' Okay.

Devika Dey 23:18

Yeah, exactly.

Adrienne MacIain 23:20

You know, 'What do you need?' like, 'Well, I need you to punch that guy in the face!' 'Okay, well, I'm not gonna do that. But maybe we could tell him that this is not working for us.' Like, 'Okay, try that.' Like, 'Hey, that's not working for me.' 'Okay. You got this. I'm good.'

Devika Dey 23:35

Yeah, absolutely. Like, that is a beautiful way of kind of saying that as well. Like, you know, you can sit with those parts of you in order to really feed feed those parts of what you truly desire, right? Because they're also coming from a place of desire. And so yeah, so there was a parts of my desire that I wasn't even engaging with and looking at. And interestingly, those parts of me were, were around my professional life. Where was that going? And even though, I felt happy in you know, my small business and everything, there was a part of me that was like, almost like, actually know that you're not really legit yet. You're not really owning this stuff yet.

Adrienne MacIain 24:23

Man, I... this is so powerful, because I think so many women in particular, we put so much of our energy and focus on our relationships, because that's the domain that we're expected to kind of excel in. Right? You're supposed to have, you know, good EQ and like feelings and, you know, be good in relationships, but we don't give us ourselves that same level of confidence and compassion and work when it comes to our work lives.

Devika Dey 24:53

Yeah. And you know, it's it's interesting because I find in both arenas women take on almost expect that they're supposed to take on an excess load.

Adrienne MacIain 25:05

Yeah. Absolutely.

Devika Dey 25:07

In relationship, they're taking on an excess load, which is burning them out in work. They're taking on an excess load, which is burning them out. So we're burning ourselves out and both ends. It's terrible.

Adrienne MacIain 25:17

Yeah. And often, we're doing this emotional labor that we're not even aware that we're doing, and yet it's taken for granted by people around us. And even just acknowledging that can be a huge step, just to say, hey, there's actually a lot that I'm bringing to the table here that's not being acknowledged. And just knowing that yourself, you don't even have to say that to your boss, or your partner, or whatever it is, but just do acknowledge that within yourself and say, maybe I could just let people have the consequences of their own actions. Yeah. Maybe that's not protecting them from like, the stuff that they did.

Devika Dey 25:57

Yeah, exactly. And you know, what, to a certain degree. I think that's, that's the problem. So for example, if you look at micromanagement behaviors, right? micromanagement behaviors is basically an insecurity of the manager or a leader, or a boss in their own capabilities of leadership. Right? It's got nothing to do with their team. It's got everything to do with themselves. And I hate to say it, but if you look in our personal lives, who are the micromanagers? Do you think it's, you know, our partners or their husbands or whatever? No, it's the women who're like, constantly micromanaging the entire show, and they believe that their families will fall apart if they don't do it. Actually, no, same thing applies in the professional sphere, which is your team's going to step up. Same thing applies in your family household, your family's going to step up, let them fall apart, let them fall apart, it's good for them.

Adrienne MacIain 27:02

Because great advice, let them fall apart. I when I used to be an executive assistant and office manager, and there was this, this thing that would happen where you know, once a week, maybe I'd say, I'd get this, you know, text or email, or someone just running over to my desk with just like, something's on fire, right? It's like, 'Oh, my God, this terrible thing's happening, this is on fire, you need to drop everything and help me put out this fire.' And at first, I would be like, 'Okay!' You know, I dropped everything. And I'd like jump on it, you know, get to the fire. And inevitably, a little while later, they'd be like, 'Oh, you know what, nevermind, we sorted it out.' And so I eventually learned to just be like, 'Okay, that's on fire. I hear that that's on fire right now. I'm here if you need me, but I'm gonna let you try to handle that first.' And almost always, they would come up with something. And then be like, 'Okay, it's handled.' 'Great job.'

Devika Dey 28:05

Yeah, exactly. I think we should also do the same thing to effect like to our partners to our families, right? If anything, it's going to increase their level of confidence in themselves. And there's nothing sexier than a confident partner. Ain't that the truth.

Adrienne MacIain 28:25

I love it. I absolutely love it. So what would you say is the main message or the biggest takeaway? What do you really want people to walk away with today?

Devika Dey 28:37

Bad things are not always bad. I guess. Like they're actually there's, they always say, yeah, silver lining and stuff. Sometimes it's more than a silver lining. Sometimes it's like full-on platinum. It's just amazing the kind of material that can come from, from something that's rough, from something that's not necessarily that great. And I don't believe that, especially right now, people are getting that message. Yeah, this was rough. It was it was not great. But there's potentially something really amazing that's going to come out at the end of this.

Adrienne MacIain 29:19

I tend to think that everything you know, it is all good. Like everything is a mixed bag, the best thing sometimes turns out to be the worst thing and vice versa. And often it's it's both and yeah, depends on what you pull out of it. Now, I don't want to say you know, because I know so many people lost someone during COVID or, you know, loss of business, things like that. Like, sometimes bad shit just happens, okay? That doesn't mean that you have to make lemonade out of every lemon that is thrown to you like sometimes you can just grieve right and you can just be in that grief and go through that because that's what you need. But the thing is: you need that. Because there's something, there's a gem for you in there somewhere. And I don't know what that is for you. But I do know that it's there.

Devika Dey 30:12

Yeah, absolutely. And I love that you actually kind of sanded that out and mentioned that because, yeah, I didn't have it that badly. I didn't necessarily, like, I did lose work for a little while. But it wasn't, you know, folding up a business necessarily. And I didn't actually lose someone physically. It was just coming to parts of myself that were that I'd lost or lost touch with, which was bad enough. So yes, I love that you actually put that clarification out there. And it's, you're right, it's absolutely okay to not want to see the light or not wanting to see, like a silver lining. It's okay. I was like that for a while. Right? I just wanted to sit in the darkness. And I just wanted some validation that everything around this was not okay. Yeah, so thank you. I love that reflection in that perspective.

Adrienne MacIain 31:12

I was just listening to a TED talk yesterday. And I'm totally forgetting her name. But it was this woman who was talking about her husband who died of brain cancer at the age of 35. And she said, it always made me so angry when people would say, 'Well, everything happens for a reason.' She said, you know, yeah, I will never believe that my husband died a long drawn out horrible, painful death at the ripe age of 35 because I needed to stand on a TED talk stage. That's not how my universe works.

Devika Dey 31:47

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And I, I also tend to find that sometimes people don't grieve, they want to stop a lot sooner than they should. And they should totally allow themselves to grieve, because it's a natural human process that our bodies, our hearts, you know, even our minds needs to go through.

Adrienne MacIain 32:11

And that grief takes much longer than people realize. I always like to describe it as, it's like, you fell off a surfboard. Okay. And at first, it's like, the waves are coming so fast, you can barely keep your head above water, right, and it just feels so overwhelming. But then over time, you know, you find yourself closer and closer to shore. And so the waves, they come, they still coming. But they come they're much shallower at that point. And they're not hitting you quite as hard. And it's like, over time, you just realize like, oh, okay, I can handle this, I can get back up on top of this one. And then eventually, you're surfing again. And it's still there. You know that grief is still there. It hasn't gone anywhere. But you've gotten back up on top of it in a place where you can kind of recognize it for what it is, which I think is just love with nowhere to go.

Devika Dey 33:05

Yeah, that's beautiful. And I guess also what you're describing is kind of like you develop a muscle for it. Yeah. So you know how to deal with it.

Adrienne MacIain 33:14

Yeah, exactly. So this is about the time where I'd like to transition and do a little exercise. So I'd like to have you close your eyes if you would not mind and take a nice deep breath. Beautiful and this time when you breathe in, can you please see some colored light come into your body? And then tell me what color it was.

Devika Dey 33:46

That's really kind of interesting. It just went from like being this it's almost like being at a disco, kind of like a multicolored thing? And then as it kind of entered it just went white. It was like all of them went like kind of blended and, boom, white light. Yeah.

Adrienne MacIain 34:06

Super cool. Everyone always has such a great answer to that question. Alright, so one more time, I'd love you to take in that rainbow-prism-to-white light. There we go. Beautiful. And I'm going to go ahead and wave my magic wand over here. And now everything you deeply desire has come to pass. Everything that you most want to be true is now true for you in this moment, this is not in the future. This is now and so I want you to just look around this beautiful ideal existence that is happening all around you and tell me what you see.

Devika Dey 34:56

Yeah, I'm basically on like this playground I'm kind of creating for myself. And I don't really know what this playground is going to be ending up as. But it's like really awesome. And it's kind of interesting, I'm on there on my own, but there's other people around me. So yeah, it's this playground that says, it's interesting. It's not like, you know, it's in that forest magical kind of forest kind of area. And it keeps morphing and changing. So it's kind of fun. And interesting.

Adrienne MacIain 35:28

Oh I love it. This is awesome. So I want you to see someone who's around here, who you think could just use a little more play, who's just not quite making the most of this playground. And I want you to just help her to--because of course, it's a she--I want you to help her to just really find her fun here.

Devika Dey 35:59

Okay, so actually, helping her find her fun would be to just be with her, and maybe mirror her, and kind of ask her 'Oh, what do you want to try out first?' Yeah, cuz she's a little bit shy, perhaps I think, of being there. And, you know, she's a bit shy of coming forward, maybe even making friends. So she's the kind of person who needs people to approach her and just gently, gently. Say, it's okay to do whatever you want. Because I don't think she's necessarily gotten that message that it's okay to do what I want. She's waiting for someone to tell her what to do.

Adrienne MacIain 36:44

So you're giving her that permission. You're validating her now and saying you can really do what you want to do here.

Devika Dey 36:53


Adrienne MacIain 36:54

And so she does, she starts to kind of break out of her shell, you can see her starting to play a little bit, you can see her starting to kind of find her, find her joy, and find her footing in that joy. And then you can see that she's starting to shine. I want you to see her literally shine. And then she looks at you and she thanks you. And how does that feel?

Devika Dey 37:25

That feels good. But I've also had a lot of fun. She had some great ideas. So I was like, Yeah, man, this is great. She was wonderful, because she taught me some things that I did not know. We're fun.

Adrienne MacIain 37:43

Awesome. So I want you to find a space that's kind of your little happy place. This is a place that you can go and just feel completely relaxed and at home and centered. What does that look like for you?

Devika Dey 38:03

like sitting down somewhere or curling up somewhere with a very good book.

Adrienne MacIain 38:10

So I want you to feel you're in a little Sunbeam in the comfiest little spot imaginable. And you've got this book that is just a page turner and you cannot put it down.

Devika Dey 38:24

It's so good.

Adrienne MacIain 38:27

Just breathe that feeling in for a moment. And then you can smell something delicious nearby. What's cooking?

Devika Dey 38:42

Hot chocolate.

Adrienne MacIain 38:46

Yeah, someone that you really care for is making you hot chocolate because they know it's your favorite. And they know it's really gonna make this experience even better to have a hot cup of cocoa. What can you hear?

Devika Dey 39:13

Right here, like, the nature sounds outside like just you know, the birds, the trees, kind of like on the window pane. You know, kind of like other movements of someone else in the house. Yeah, let's see my own movements as well like in just trying to get comfortable getting to a nicer spot, that sort of thing.

Adrienne MacIain 39:39

Beautiful. Now something happens that is just unexpectedly wonderful. What is it?

Devika Dey 39:50

Oh, the book ends in a way that I was not expecting and it's just blowing my mind.

Adrienne MacIain 39:59

Fantastic. And what are you going to do to celebrate?

Devika Dey 40:03

I'm just going to like walk around and tell people I didn't see that coming. But I can't tell you what it is for you, but it's a really good book. Yeah, that's exactly how I'm going to celebrate it. Just shout out that this is an amazing book. And people need to read it so we can talk about the ending.

Adrienne MacIain 40:25

Fantastic. All right, why don't you open your eyes?

Devika Dey 40:30

How'd that feel? Yeah, that felt really great. Good stuff. Oh, wonderful, actually just kind of going into that imagery of the playground and also having on this adventure. And it's so interesting, because like a book is how I do go on adventures. Yeah.

Adrienne MacIain 40:52

But I love that idea of the playground that keeps morphing into something new. Like That is so cool. Yeah, I know. It's like, awesome. Yeah, I wish it existed. Well, what I'd love for you to do, I mean, this is just a suggestion, not, you know, no required homework here. But what I'd love for you to do is to just find some images that kind of remind you of that ever morphing playground. And a little bit of little piece of music that feels like that sort of playful, creative, always changing space. So that you can make yourself just a little kind of, you know, short, short, tiny movie, or like slideshow with with music. So that when you just need to realign to like, this is what I want to be going on in my brain and outside of me. You can just play that and it'll take you right back there.

Devika Dey 41:46

That sounds like an awesome idea. I'd love to do that and see what works really well. Yeah, see what sort of magic kind of comes out of that. That'd be great.

Adrienne MacIain 41:57

Well, there you go. All for you, all for free. So where can the wonderful people at home find you my dear?

Devika Dey 42:07

Definitely on LinkedIn, so look me up on LinkedIn. That is the best spot to find me: Devika Dey. I believe I'm the only love and leadership coach on LinkedIn. My website is hopefully going to be finished at some point, and once that's done, you can reach out on the website. But LinkedIn is the best spot right now.

Adrienne MacIain 42:28

Okay, fantastic. And of course, I will have the spelling of your name in the show notes so everyone can find you easily. Alright, what what thought would you like to leave everyone with today? How about a feeling? Maybe a thought's too hard.

Devika Dey 42:48

Honestly, curiosity like after going through that experience or visualization exercise. I feel like I can't really articulate things very well. But I'm left with this sensation or this feeling of curiosity.

Adrienne MacIain 43:05

Beautiful. Yes. Follow your curiosity. Always. Gorgeous. Thank you so much for being here. This was great.

Devika Dey 43:13

Oh, thank you for having me. This is lovely.

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