Wherever we fall in our family structure, we often feel like the forgotten “middle child,” forever pining for acceptance and validation. But the truth is, every one of us is a golden child, and we don’t need anyone’s permission to shine! Today’s guest, Trish Lechman (@trishlechman) shows us how shedding light on our darkest times is the key to gaining resilience, shedding our limiting beliefs, and becoming the person we truly wish to be.
Highlight Reel: 0:10 - Resilience: the antidote to all misery? 2:00 - We are all the golden child 3:00 - Stepping out of the limiting mindset matrix 8:45 - You don’t need permission to shine 12:00 - Exiting toxic situations 15:20 - All about resilience 25:00 - How to change the past 28:00 - Trish builds a bridge to her ideal world
Adrienne MacIain 0:01
Hey everyone, welcome to the That's Aloud podcast. I'm your hostess Dr. Adrienne MacIain. And today we have Trish Lechman. Please introduce yourself, Trish.
Trish Lechman 0:10
Hi. Hello, everybody. I'm glad to be here with you today. I'm Trish, and by trade, I'm a marketeer. And by calling, I'm a youth coach, youth leader, and above all a resilient advocate. So I do truly believe that resilience is the way to go, and it's the antidote to all misery.
Adrienne MacIain 0:29
Absolutely, absolutely. So I'd love to hear a little bit more about what a marketeer is.
Trish Lechman 0:35
So I do marketing by trade. I never knew what I wanted to do. It was kind of my my life's mission to figure out what my purpose is. And as I grew up, I watched my mom become a nurse, and she absolutely loved it. She dedicated her whole life to her job. And it really made me feel guilty because I had no idea of what I wanted to do. All I knew was I didn't want to be a nurse. But I had no other ideas. So then one day, I decided to do a French internship at a company. And because I was the only one for my school, this marketing manager took me under his wing took pity on me pretty much, story of my life, but in doing that, I was actually exposed to his world of marketing. And I absolutely fell in love with it. And from that day, I decided, yes, that's what I want to do: marketing. It's creative, it's challenging, and it's everywhere, as The Social Dilemma has shown.
Adrienne MacIain 1:32
Absolutely. So it sounds like you learned some resilience from that experience. But also the the power of mentorship.
Trish Lechman 1:39
Adrienne MacIain 1:39
Trish Lechman 1:39
Adrienne MacIain 1:42
All right, so I'm gonna go into the first question, which is, what story is the world not getting?
Trish Lechman 1:52
Okay, I've tried to form it, you know, one snappy, concise sentence, it's probably not going to go that way.
Adrienne MacIain 1:59
Perfect. I like long, rambling paragraphs.
Trish Lechman 2:05
So, okay, and this will probably make more sense, the more we dive deeper into it. But I truly believe that the story that most people are not kind of buying into is that everyone, every person on this planet, is the golden child has the golden child power of the universe. But we all live under this middle child mentality, which holds us back.
Adrienne MacIain 2:32
I love that. Yeah, let's unpack that a little bit. Tell me more.
Trish Lechman 2:36
I mean, it says what it is, and what it does, on the tin! No, I'm joking. So the reason how this kind of came about came about in my life, I basically had no idea what a limiting belief was until last year. And apparently it's a big deal, so I'm told. So I went to this personal development event in Bali, you could tell that my mom was really proud of me, and not scared in the slightest of letting me go alone to Indonesia. No hesitation there, no.
Adrienne MacIain 3:09
I'm sensing sarcasm here...
Trish Lechman 3:12
Good, good, good. So, I basically went to this event, and two amazing hosts were kind of coaching people on the stage. And one of them asked this person about their limiting beliefs. And I was kind of listening, thinking, okay, this should be good. I wonder what that is. And then as this person unravels, what's been holding them back all their life, I'm kind of thinking, hold on, okay, this makes more sense. Okay. Well, I can buy into that. So then, as I was listening to what kind of questions that he was asking the person on the stage, I was writing them down and actually applying them to my own situation. I'm thinking, well, how does this apply to my life, and what have been the limiting factors in my life, and I came to a realization that my whole life, I was kind of living under my brother's wing. So he was the older one. He was the better one. He was the golden child of the family. Everyone knew it. No one admitted it apart from me, but everyone knew it, it was common sense. It was common knowledge. So I was the middle child, so obviously, I was the worst one, the black sheep of the family. I mean, I embraced it. But still, I was the middle child. And as I was writing these things down and kind of coming to some sort of answers as to-- and also challenging how I was seeing the situation, this memory came up to me of a few years ago, when I asked my mom, well, why do you treat my brother so differently? Why did you give him more love and support? And at the time, she said to me, well, because he needs it, and okay, at the time I was, I had my blinkers on. I had no idea what she just said. To me, she might have just said, 'Well, I don't love you, I love him.' That's what I internalized. I had no idea. I didn't know how to understand what she just said. But in this moment, at this event, as I'm writing it down, as I'm remembering what she said, and how she said it, I realized, I had this breakthrough moment, that what she actually said was, he needs more love and support, and you don't. You're stronger than him. That's why I treat him differently. And to me, kind of the whole glass shattered in front of my eyes, exactly the whole kabang in my head. And I realized at this point that this limiting belief, this force that has been stopping me from actually giving myself the permission to live my life on my own terms, has been a lie. And it was just a figment of my imagination that came up with this statement, this belief that I was the middle child. And actually what the truth was, was that I've been the Golden Child of my family all these years. And I thought differently. That was so powerful. I honestly, I had to step away from the event with the hundreds of people there, everyone was mingling after the session, and I had to go away and cry, because I had just realized that oh, my God, what have I been waiting for? It's, it's all been inside me this whole time.
Adrienne MacIain 6:15
Yeah. So that's a beautiful kind of perfect separation moment in the Hero's Journey story, where you realize like, oh my gosh, all along, I had this different idea of what reality was or what's going on. So then I imagine that sort of kicked off an initiation, or learning period for you.
Trish Lechman 6:36
Oof! Did it.
Adrienne MacIain 6:40
What happened then? How did you go further?
Trish Lechman 6:43
It's kind of like that moment when Neo discovers that the matrix is actually this whole new, different world. That's how I felt. I didn't know even how to integrate...
Adrienne MacIain 6:56
You took the red pill!
Trish Lechman 6:56
Exactly! For once I did the right thing. I kind of integrated myself into society, and it felt like a different world entirely. What was weird was, as soon as I got back from this event to get back to the UK, I kind of started talking to other people about this, because to me, that was groundbreaking. And everyone else seemed to be like, 'Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I have that too.' So to me that just really showed how powerful this limiting belief is, and just how many people live in this middle child mentality even now, even though they know that this is just a limiting belief. So yeah, it was, it was crazy times. As soon as I got back, I texted my brother, and I said, 'Hey, can we talk?' He came over with his fiancee, and I opened up about my whole experience. And he was like, 'Yeah yeah yeah, I get that. Yeah yeah yeah.' You know, quite dismissive at first. But his fiancee--this is the surprising part--his fiancee was absolutely blown away by the whole experience, and by everything I said. So it must have really resonated with her. And so that was just really powerful. And then I mended things with my brother and my mom as well, because I felt resentment towards my mother for years. So finally, it kind of opened up about how I felt about the situation. And you know, she shared her side of the story, too. And that kind of made me think about our identity and what we attach ourselves to, since that day. So I've just been really diving deep, ever since that day, to be honest, I'm kind of embodying this golden child mentality. Now I've been meaning to get this golden child tattoo. But you know, I don't know if I'll go that far. Yet.
Adrienne MacIain 8:38
That's fantastic. So how have you used this new knowledge and reintegrated yourself back into the community or the life that you had before?
Trish Lechman 8:48
Yeah, so the biggest thing was definitely not waiting for his permission. I think where I was really stuck, was I was still waiting for his validation and kind of his okay to live my life. And the more I speak to other people, you know, they do the same they wait for someone like their mom, their parents, their dad, whoever to give them that validation...
Adrienne MacIain 9:10
A teacher, an authority figure. We're all waiting for that invitation to the dance. We're waiting for someone to come right up to us and say, 'Okay, it's your turn. Now go!' No one's gonna do that! Just get out on the dance floor, baby. It's your time to shine!
Trish Lechman 9:27
Yes, so true. So true. And I feel like this, there's so many high hierarchies in the world as well, which kind of stop you and limit you and make you think that you can't step out of your lane, too. So yeah, that was definitely the biggest shift in my life. I kind of said to myself, well, what do I want to do? And up until that moment, every time I created, came up with an idea, I would run it by him. And I would always want his validation and his approval and his positive affirmation that this was a great idea. He only said it was rubbish. Every single one of my ideas was rubbish in his opinion. Absolute rubbish. But then after that day after I kind of said, well, hold on a minute, you're not the golden child! Step! Get off the throne! It's my turn now. It's shifted in so many new ways, because now all of a sudden, not only does he love my ideas, but he actually seeks MY validation. He asks me for my help my input and my support. So that was groundbreaking. And yeah, ever since that day, I kind of said to myself, well, what do I want to do? And at the time, I was in a kind of a toxic environment. And I kind of said to myself, I've had enough, this is enough, I've suffered enough. And now what do I want to do? So I left that environment, and then it's all been flourishing ever since. And then I discovered my life's purpose, through scrolling through Instagram mindlessly. That was funny. So I spent my whole life 23, 24 years searching for this life's purpose. And it came to me through mindless scrolling through social media. So to anyone who thinks social media is bad, think again! And it basically said, you know, your life's purpose is how you can take your struggles, your worst days, your darkest times and actually use them to help someone else. And to me, that was definitely my school, teenage years. And I said, well, if I can prevent teenagers from going to that dark place, then that's my life's purpose. And I've been doing that ever since that day.
Adrienne MacIain 11:20
That's wonderful. So a couple things. I definitely want to hear more about the work that you're doing with teenagers. But I want to go back for a moment. You said you were in a toxic environment. And I think a lot of people can really relate to that feeling. So how do you know when you're in a toxic environment? And how can you get yourself out of it?
Trish Lechman 11:40
Hmm, such a powerful question. I don't think you do know, I don't think it's easy to pick up on it. Even when someone tells you, you know, you need to get out of that place, you still kind of hold on to it, because you've invested so much of yourself and energy into the situation. And there's still I think it's a maybe a maternal part of you that thinks I can change this, I can make this all good. But when you know it's not working, you know there's just no way it's gonna work out, so you hit that resistance all over again. And yeah, for me, I don't want to say it was going to Bali, but it was going to Bali.
Adrienne MacIain 12:20
Go to Bali. That's the answer.
Trish Lechman 12:22
Go to Bali! If you can, stay there. But you know, I think what changed for me, was really stepping into this golden child power. And I think I was never ready for that before because I was still waiting for someone to tell me 'Yes, you can leave this place. You can. It's okay for you to leave this place.' But because I went to Bali and kind of stepped into this new role, new character, new power, new energy that I suddenly now wanted to embody, and I didn't want to go back and there's no way I was going to go back. I have a few friends from the event, who asked me, you know, after a few weeks, they said to me, 'Trish, I'm noticing I'm going back to the old version of me that I was before this event. Are you?' And I said 'Hell no!' Because I think for me, it was just so liberating, but also powerful. And also, you know, when you go to a dark place, you know how bad it is. And you don't want to go back there again. So I think for me, it was, you know, I was a new person, and this new person had new standards. And I tried to uphold myself to new standards. And I said, well, am I going to tolerate the situation? Or can I change this. And this is one of the biggest things I really promote when it comes to resilience, because I think there's so many schools of life for teaching resilience. But I think not many, especially young people are taught resourcefulness. If you're in a really crappy rubbish situation, it's fine to change your mentality. It's fine how you think about the situation, it's fine changing how you maybe approach the situation and the people in the environment. But if you're not resourceful enough to actually get out of it or do something about this situation, then you're kind of stuck in the same place.
Adrienne MacIain 13:45
Yeah, so I just finished a book called Enough. And it's all about getting out of toxic relationships, specifically, emotionally abusive relationships. And so one of the things that I talk about a lot is reaching out for help. I think it's one of the things that we don't do enough. And that once you once you realize, because I think people feel disempowered when they ask for help, but the opposite is true. Asking for help is one of the most powerful things that you can do, because you're recognizing, hey, there's all these resources out here. I'm going to make use of them to get what I need. And one of the things I see over and over again, is that when someone's in a toxic relationship or in a toxic place, if you try to tell them that they can't hear you. But what you can do is empower them to recognize that they deserve better, that they are the golden child, that they are their own hero. They are the author of their own story, however you want to put it, right? Once people recognize that, then they are willing to accept your help to get themselves out of that situation.